Empty Page Is a New Beginning
by Nazmuko
Summary: Three months ago she was a soldier. Yesterday she was a mother-to-be. Today? That's what she needs to figure out before she can be happy with him. A tragedy forces Sam to rethink what she wants from her life. S/J with a happy ending.
1. Chapter 1

**Empty Page Is a New Beginning**

**Disclaimer:** All recognizable characters and settings are property of their lawful owners. This story is written for entertainment purposes only and no profit is made. No copyright infringement intended.

**Rating:** T

**Genre:** Tragedy/Romance

**Pairing:** Sam/Jack

**Length: **I've written 8 chapters so far and if I stick to the plan, there will be one more chapter after those and then an epilogue. No matter what, this shouldn't stretch over 15 chapters.

**Summary: **Three months ago she was a soldier. Yesterday she was a mother-to-be. Today? That's what she needs to figure out before she can be happy with him. A tragedy forces Sam to rethink what she wants from her life. S/J with a happy ending.

**A/N:** This starts sad and dramatic but turns into a fluff in the later chapters. It has humor in it though you might not believe that from the first chapter.

I admit parts of this story were inspired by some fics I have read over the years. I have forgotten the names of said stories, though. I think this story has enough originality to be called _my_ story but if you feel like I borrowed too many of _your_ ideas, please let me know. I'll delete this story, add a 'thank you' in the beginning or something else.

English is not my first language and I apologize for all the mistakes you will find in this story. I consult my dictionaries all the time but of course I can't notice everything, no matter how many times I read the story through.

**EDIT 08/14/2011: **

**Spoilers: **Post Divide and Conquer (4x05) even though the events of the episode aren't actually mentioned. Only real spoilers are from seasons 1 and 2.

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><p><strong>CHAPTER 1<strong>

"I lost it," was all she said when he opened his front door one Friday evening.

It took his brain a moment to catch up but finally he realized what she was talking about. "Sam..." he sighed and looked into her pained eyes. He reached to touch her arm but she shied away. He nodded. She didn't want his touch, understood. He opened the door a little wider and she hesitantly stepped in.

Jack closed the door and they stood there in the hallway, barely a feet between their toes. Sam was staring at the floor and Jack was looking at her, trying to come up with something to say or do. Any other day he would have wrapped his arms around her but he didn't dare to do that right now.

"You want something?" he asked softly, knowing it was a lame conversation opener but he had to say something. "Coffee, tea?"

"A time machine."

"Back to yesterday or two months ago?" He wasn't sure if he wanted to know but he had to ask anyway.

They had had their own rules for years on top of the AF rules. Unwritten and unspoken, perhaps, but rules non the less. They had broken all of those two months ago after an exhausting mission that had left Daniel badly injured. It was supposed to be his homecoming celebration when he was finally released from the infirmary but Daniel had been too tired to join them at the O'Malley's. Teal'c declined, too, so it had been just the two of them. And a bottle of tequila on top of the few beers they normally drank, just to wash out the pain of almost losing a friend again.

They had shared a cab and woken up in the same bed, gloriously naked, the next morning. They had quickly come to a conclusion that they would leave it in the room like everything else and never speak of it again. That intention was thrown out the window when three weeks later she found out she was pregnant.

"Yesterday wouldn't change anything," she whispered and he felt his heart sink. "It wasn't meant to be. It wouldn't... It wasn't viable. It wasn't supposed to go on," she babbled, still staring at the floor and he wondered if she was talking about the fetus or about the two of them.

"I love you," he whispered and watched how a shiver ran through her.

"Don't..." she sighed.

"My only regret is that I jeopardized your career."

"I can't... hear this now..." she shook her head slowly.

"I don't mean to sound harsh but I have a feeling this is my last chance to tell these things to you."

"Jack..." Well, at least she wasn't calling him sir.

"Dammit, Sam. I'm hurting, too." She didn't say anything and he knew she was one wrong word away from walking out of that door for good. "Just because there's no baby doesn't mean there's no us," he whispered.

"I can't think now, Jack," she sighed.

"Stay," he whispered, pleaded.

"I don't know anything anymore."

"Please. Stay here tonight. I don't want you to be alone. I don't want _me_ to be alone."

She hesitated.

"I can beg on my bad knees if that's what it takes. Don't walk out now. I'll sleep on the couch. Hell, I sleep in the car if that makes you stay." He stared intensely at her and finally she lifted her head and looked at him. "Please," he whispered and after a deep, shaky breath she nodded.

Jack put his right hand on the small of her back and guided her into the living room. She sat on the couch and he whispered a quick "Be right back" before he disappeared into the kitchen.

When he came back, she was still staring at the same spot on the coffee table she was looking at when he left. He wordlessly passed the cup of steaming hot chocolate to her before he sat down next to her.

"This can't be fixed with chocolate," she mumbled and stared at the cup in her hands.

"Can't make it worse, either," he said softly and took a sip from his own cup.

"I don't feel like talking right now."

"Then we don't talk. You want me to sit somewhere else?"

"No."

Jack could understand her confusion, a lot had happened those past few weeks. As soon as she found out she was pregnant, they had come clean about it to General Hammond. With some help from the president they had managed to avoid charges but they were forced to break up SG-1. Sam had been working at the labs for a month now and so far she had seemed to enjoy it. If she wanted to get back to SG-1 after the maternity leave, Jack was willing to retire. It had been a difficult choice but right then it had felt worth it. Now Jack feared she was having second thoughts.

They had been somewhat together since the day she did the pregnancy test. They had talked a lot, a lot more than Jack remembered ever talking with anyone. Mostly about future, what they wanted to do, but also a little about past.

They had laughed and cried and cuddled on this same couch numerous times. She often stayed the night when they were on the same planet which wasn't often enough for Jack's liking. There had been some kissing involved but nothing more. They had no reason to rush anymore, they were free to do whatever they wanted for the rest of their lives. They had the beginning of something and he knew it would grow into something wonderful in time. And now he could see it all slipping away with the pain in her eyes.

Side by side on his couch, sipping their drinks, the silence stretched over them but it was alright because he knew there were times when words simply weren't enough. Jack stared at the remote control on the coffee table and wondered if Sam would like some background noise after all. She shook her head and Jack felt the ache in his heart get worse. They knew each other so well they didn't even need words most of the time. They were so good together, a perfect team. How could she even consider giving that up?

He wanted to touch her, hold her, whisper words of reassurance in her ear, tell her they'd get over it, they would be alright in the end, no matter how hopeless it felt right now. Instead he stared into his cup and hoped she would say or do anything, make the first move.

"We had it all figured out," she finally whispered when her cup had been empty for fifteen minutes.

"Yeah, we did," he admitted.

"Life doesn't follow plans, huh?"

"I never does. Doesn't make it any easier, though."

"I'm not even mourning for the child," she said, hardly audible. "Maybe I'm a bad person but I'm mourning for the life we planned. A little bleeding, a few cramps and it's all gone. Whole life wiped out with the reminds of the fetus."

"No, it's not, Sam."

"I don't know who I am, Jack," she said, a little more strength in her voice.

"What do you mean?"

"Three months ago... I was Major Carter, the perfect little soldier and 2IC. Yes, struggling with some inappropriate feelings for my CO but I had a routine, I had a place in this world."

Jack nodded, knowing there was not much he could say until he heard the rest of this. Sam took a deep breath and thought for a few seconds before she continued.

"Yesterday... I was the go-to geek of the whole SGC. And I was Sam, the mother-to-be and the girlfriend. The woman with a plan. And the plan wrapped around the child."

"Because that's what made this possible, Sam. The child was not the reason we're together, just an excuse." It might sound harsh but it was the truth.

"I don't know who I am when more than half of my life gets wiped out in a few weeks."

"Sam..." he sighed, knowing nothing he said would make her feel any better.

"I... I have this nagging voice at the back of my head. It tells me I didn't want this. Any of this. That I only did this because of the child. That I suppressed a part of myself to become what I needed to be. That this is just a compromise, a plan B. That I'm only settling for this. And I don't want to settle for you, Jack." She raised her head and met his gaze, her eyes pleading him to understand. "Because you're the best thing in my life – and I love you." The last four words were barely a whisper but he read her lips loud and clear before she turned to stare at the coffee table again.

Without hesitation Jack wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close.

"Jack," she sighed and he could hear the tears and frustration in her voice.

"Tomorrow," he whispered. "Tomorrow I'll let you go and you go do whatever you need to do to figure it out." He leaned to kiss the top of her head as he whispered "Tomorrow," one more time and felt her nod against his shoulder. He would do whatever it took to make her happy, no matter how much it hurt him.

Sam swung her legs over his, now sitting sideways on his lap, and buried her face in his chest, breathing in his scent.

"This is not a goodbye," she whispered.

"I know," Jack whispered in her hair and pulled her a little closer. "Just a timeout. But no thoughts about our future tonight. One way or another."

They stayed there, in each other's arms, for a long time. Both of them lost track of time. In the end Jack started to sway her gently from side to side and finally the tears came, the tears she had held inside her for hours, the tears she didn't know she had. And to her surprise, she wasn't crying for the lost future, she was crying for the child, the little life she had harbored inside her. And he held her so close and so tight she had never felt more safe in her whole life. She didn't want him to ever let go but she knew she wouldn't be truly happy with him until she had silenced that little voice inside her. But that was tomorrow, and tonight there was no future. Any other day the thought would have been devastating but today it was a relief.

When the tears eventually ended, Jack reached few tissues from the side table for her. Sam wiped her eyes and cheeks and blew her nose and then snuggled back against him.

"It's getting late," Jack whispered. "Are you tired?"

"Yeah," she admitted. "A little."

"Bed? Or we can just stay here if you wish."

Sam considered the options for a moment. She felt safer here on the couch when he held her like this, his strength surrounding her. But they couldn't stay like this all night. "Bed," she whispered finally.

"If you don't want me close, all you have to do is tell me," Jack said softly, mistaking her silence for hesitation.

Sam snorted. "Do I look like I want you to leave?" she said with a hint of laughter in her voice. She was a mess, clinging to him like he was her lifeline, and he thought she wanted him to go away?

"Just checking," Jack chuckled.

Sam nodded and then untangled her legs from his lap.

A few moments later they were laying on his bed, both clad in Jack's old T-shirts. Sam was laying partly on top of Jack, her head on his chest. His arms were around her, holding her just as tight as he had held her on the couch.

"I think I'll take some time off," she whispered. "Go somewhere."

"Any plans?"

Sam had been expecting a different reaction. _Are you sure that's a good idea? _or _I don't think you should be alone _or something else along those lines_. _It was a relief to realize he knew she wouldn't leave if she couldn't handle it.

"Nope. Just me and my bike."

"Sounds good."

"I'll keep in touch. I don't want you to worry."

"It's alright if you need your distance. I won't feel offended."

She knew he was lying but she appreciated the effort. "Maybe I'll call Daniel then."

"He's gonna go all overprotective big brother, you know."

"Yeah," Sam sighed.

"I can tell them," he whispered when the silence stretched too long. "After you leave."

"No. We'll tell together. Tomorrow," Sam whispered.

"Tomorrow," Jack agreed.

Sam heaved a content sigh and closed her eyes, deciding she might as well stop fighting against the sleep. Tomorrow she would be one day closer to figuring this out.

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><p><strong>AN: **Please let me know what you think. This is the first serious Stargate story I publish and your opinion means a lot to me. Did you like it? Hate it?

**A/N add 08/14/2011: **I've never been through a miscarriage so I can't even start to comprehend how horrible it feels. I don't intentionally diminish or mock anyone's pain and I apologize if someone feels offended by this story.

**sgfan2000:** I hope you would have left a signed review so I could answer you directly. I appreciate your criticism. However, I disagree about the problem. My thought was that since Sam is a rational person, her first thought would be "what does this change?" before the reality sets in and emotions take over. When it comes to that specific sentence you criticized, it's first and foremost the shock speaking. She _does_ mourn for the loss of the child, she just doesn't know how to.

I made no changes to this chapter but I try to pay attention to dealing with the loss in the later chapters. I hope you read forward because all the chapters are equal parts of this story and might help explain. If you chose not to read further, I apologize for hurting your feelings.

~Nazmuko~


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters and settings are property of their lawful owners. This story is written for entertainment purposes only and no profit is made. No copyright infringement intended.

**Spoilers:** The only spoilers I've noticed so far (in all the chapters I've written or planned) are from seasons 1 and 2. I'll let you know if that changes.**  
><strong>

**A/N:** Thank you for all the wonderful feedback! I had already forgotten how wonderful and scary it is to update a story chapter by chapter. I'm always terrified I won't live up to your expectations.

English is not my first language so I apologize for all the mistakes. Please, let me know if you have trouble understanding or if you find any big and/or repeatedly occurring errors with grammar or terms.

Hope you enjoy!

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><p><strong>CHAPTER 2<strong>

The next morning Jack woke up to find the other side of the bed empty. He heaved a sigh and closed his eyes again, deciding a panicked run around the house, looking for Sam, wouldn't do any good. If she wanted to leave, she left. That's why he was so surprised when the mattress dipped five minutes later and a warm body snuggled against his side.

"I made a few phone calls," she whispered, knowing he was fully awake despite his best effort to pretend otherwise.

"How long?" he asked, knowing she had asked for some time off.

"Two weeks for now. Two more if needed."

"Danny and T?"

"Coming at noon."

"Which is..."

"In four hours."

Five and a half hours later she was standing on his porch in her motorbike gear. She stared at the door for a moment before she knocked. Jack seemed genuinely surprised when he opened the door despite the fact that she had promised to come by when she was leaving.

The conversation with Daniel and Teal'c had been rather short, filled with pained looks and apologies. When she told she was leaving Teal'c had bowed his head and wished her good luck. "May you find what you are looking for, MajorCarter."

Daniel had been concerned but had calmed down a little when she promised to call or text him every other day. In the end Daniel had given her a ride home when they found out she had walked to Jack's place the evening before.

Maybe the two hour walk had been a little insane but she had needed it to clear her head. Janet had been hesitant about leaving her home alone after they confirmed the miscarriage but she had promised she'd head to Jack's right away. She hadn't lied, really.

After Daniel had dropped her off, Sam had packed her backpack, locked the doors and driven off with her bike.

"You wanna come in?" Jack asked softly.

"No," she shook her head, knowing she wouldn't leave if she stepped inside now.

"Alright." He pushed his hands in his pockets and smiled nervously at her.

Sam stared deep into his eyes, a thoughtful expression on her face.

"Whatcha thinkin'?" Jack finally risked the question.

"I love you," she said firmly. "Don't forget that."

"Never," he said with a soft smile. "And I love you, too. More than anything, Sam."

"I know," she whispered and stepped closer, a sad smile on her lips. Her hand cupped his cheek and she leaned in to place a gentle kiss on his lips. "I'm sorry," she whispered when she broke the kiss and he knew she was apologizing for leaving, not for the kiss.

"Don't be," he whispered and leaned his forehead against hers for a second before he pulled back, giving her the chance to leave.

Sam let out a shaky breath and took one step back. Her hand was still clutching his. She didn't even know when she took it in the first place.

"Drive safely," Jack said softly.

"I will," she whispered and she knew it was true. This trip wasn't about adrenaline or crazy stunts she did when she needed to feel alive. This trip was about silence and peace, about being alone with her thoughts.

"Go," he said softly, sensing her hesitation, and nodded towards the motorbike.

Sam nodded and squeezed his hand one more time before she let go. "Bye," she whispered and flashed him a sad smile.

"Bye," he echoed and nodded, giving her his consent to do this. Sam turned around and walked to her bike without looking back. When she started the bike, she risked one glance at him and gave him a quick wave which he returned and then she was gone.

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><p>Late that evening Sam was sitting on the bed in an impersonal motel room in some nameless town. She stared at the empty journal in front of her. Daniel had given it to her when she was leaving, telling her writing would help her keep focused.<p>

She heaved one more sigh before she opened the book and reached for the pen.

_**Saturday, a cheap motel somewhere not far enough,**_ she wrote on top of the page and then stopped to think.

_Yesterday I lost my baby,_ she scribbled quickly before she lost the courage to face the fact. She looked at the words for a moment and then crossed out the 'my' and wrote _our_ instead.

_I don't know who I am anymore._

Sam stared at the two sentences, wondering what she was supposed to write now that she had said everything she knew.

Meanwhile three hundred miles away Jack was sitting on his roof with a cup of coffee. He had made a decision not to drink alcohol, at least not alone, until Sam was back. It would have been so easy to numb the pain and forget, even for a moment, that he might lose everything that made his life worth living. The fact that he was sober didn't mean he was dealing with either the loss of the baby or Sam's trip, but he owed it to her to be sharp if she called or came back all of a sudden.

He looked up at the sky and realized that past few years most of the time when he had looked at the stars, the constellations had been foreign, alien. He spent so little time at his house and he rarely had the energy to climb up here so he hadn't even realized how comforting the familiar patterns were.

Jack placed his empty coffee cup next to his chair and heaved a sigh. At least they were on the same planet, he and Sam. It wasn't much but it was something. He pushed his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket and realized there was something in the left pocket. He pulled out the small, black box and stared at it, shocked that he could have forgotten it even for a moment.

Finally he flicked the box open to reveal a simple ring. At first it seemed to be just a plain, golden band but there were several tiny diamonds embedded in random pattern on one side of it.

He had bought the ring two weeks after they found out Sam was pregnant. By then General Hammond had sorted out their working arrangements, Teal'c and Danny knew and were happy for them, Janet confirmed the baby was doing fine and Jack and Sam had had several of those laugh-talk-cuddle sessions on his couch.

Jack picked the ring up and turned it around a little, watching how the moonlight danced on the diamonds. They had reminded him of stars when he saw the ring for the first time. Not that he'd ever say that out loud, it was too much of a cliché.

They hadn't talked about getting married and Jack had hesitated to pop the question because he didn't want Sam to think he was marrying her just because she was having his baby. He had been waiting for the right moment and he wanted to believe he'd still get it one day. Because the truth was that he had found the ring almost two years ago, when their relationship was nothing more than a wish of 'maybe one day'.

He could still remember how he was walking in the town, spending time before a dentist appointment or something equally pleasant, and all of a sudden glanced at one shop window and there it was, the ring he hadn't even known he was looking for. It screamed _Carter!_ so loud he had actually glanced around to see if others heard it, too. They didn't. Good for them.

Jack placed the ring back in the box and closed it. He sent a silent prayer to whatever Gods were listening that one day Sam would wear the ring he had bought for her. He didn't care if it was tomorrow ten years from now. With a sigh he put the box in his pocket, picked up the empty coffee cup and decided to call it a day.

At the same time Sam decided to give up on writing and closed the journal with a frustrated sigh. She couldn't do this. This writing thing. She was a soldier and a scientist, she wrote reports and specific plans how to conduct an experiment, she didn't write about thoughts or feelings. For her, writing was about facts.

She couldn't think through possible scenarios on paper. Papers were for the conclusions and right now there were none of those in her head, only loose ends waiting to be tied. Maybe it would get easier. Or she would have to find another way.

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><p><strong>AN:** Most of this story will be about Sam and her journey but I wanted a little Jack for this chapter, too. If you have a few seconds to spare, leave a review and let me know what you think.**  
><strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters and settings are property of their lawful owners. This story is written for entertainment purposes only and no profit is made. No copyright infringement intended. Places and characters you don't recognize are product of the writer's imagination and any resemblance to real-life places and people is purely coincidental.

****A/N: ****Here's chapter 3 for you all! Thank you for your interest and reviews! I'm struggling a little with the last chapters (9 and 10 at the moment) and I don't want to find myself in a dead end so I'm keeping a slow pace with the updates. I'll try to update at least once a week, though. I'm determined to finish this story and as soon as I'm happy with the last chapters, I can step up the update pace a little.

This chapter is lighter than the past two, a little sun peeking from behind the dark clouds. Mostly just describing the place where the next few chapters will take place.

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><p><strong>CHAPTER 3<strong>

The next morning Sam left as soon as the sun was up and she drove until she got hungry. After a very late lunch she drove few more hours before she found a remote camping site by one of the small roads she had decided to take. Sam really hoped it was open because the sun was shining and she had driven all day. Underneath all her leather gear she was feeling a little warmer than she would have liked and could use a cool shower and a quiet place to gather her thoughts.

Sam parked her bike, took off her helmet and looked around. At the edge of the parking lot there was a wooden reception building and a huge white iron gate next to it. The building looked old but it was in good shape despite the fact that it could use a new layer of the white paint. The iron gate seemed too big compared to the small picket fence which bordered the area. On top of the gate seemed to be some kind of writing but the letters were so decorative that Sam couldn't read the words especially now that the gate was open so she was looking at it from a weird angle. She guessed it was the name of the camping site.

Despite the open gate Sam wasn't sure if the place was open but soon an elderly woman walked out of the reception building, looking very pleased and almost as surprised as Sam. She was barely five feet tall and her long, silver hair was in a single braid, swaying behind her. Her green eyes were twinkling with laughter.

"Well, look at you, dear," the woman said and clasped her hands together. "What are you looking for?" There was something very comforting about this woman, Sam noticed. She was motherly somehow, warm and welcoming.

"A place to stay," Sam answered with a smile and nodded towards the tent she had strapped on the back on her bike. "A quiet place preferably."

"Then you came to the right place. There's no one else here now except you."

"Is it always this quiet?"

"Since they built the new road, yes. We're bit off the main routes, I'm afraid. This place is more of a hobby for us now that we're retired."

"Sounds perfect," Sam admitted and gathered all her stuff which wasn't much.

"One night?" the lady asked and offered to carry Sam's tent.

"Might be more, don't know yet." They walked through the gates, the lady leading the way. So far there was only dense forest on either side of the dirt road but Sam could see a lake shimmering at the end of the road and guessed that's where the camping site was.

"It's alright, you can pay when you leave."

"I'd rather pay in advance."

"Hasty to leave, are we?" the woman said, voice full of laughter instead of the accusation Sam was waiting for.

"I guess I am," she admitted. She didn't want any plans now. Non-existent plans couldn't fail. It was a simple logic, really.

"It's alright. You can leave the money in the mail box when you leave. Ten dollars a night."

Sam chuckled. Maybe this place was exactly what she needed. "So, where's the closest town? Or at least a some kind of grocery store."

"Four miles from here. No crossroads on the way, you can't get lost."

All of a sudden the forest ended and they were standing at the edge of an opening. Sam had to stop to take in the sight. "Wow," she sighed finally. There was a small lake about a hundred yards away. On the right side of the road, a grassy field spread all they way from where they stood to the beach. On the left side there were graveled parking spaces for cars and trailers. There was a graveled spot, big enough to fit one trailer, and then twenty feet of lawn before the next graveled spot. Sam counted there was space for at least a dozen trailers.

Behind it the forest started suddenly, high trees raising at the edge of the graveled area, so close to each other that it wouldn't have been easy to walk through. On the other side of the road the lawn seemed to change to a sparse forest step by step. There were a few birches sitting in the middle of the lawn and there were more and more the further you looked until finally the grass ended and changed into the mossy underbrush of the forest.

"You can put up your tent in the forest if you wish," the woman said, noticing her curious gaze. "There are some mossy spots where you can sleep rather comfortably. We own the land around the lake so feel free to wander as far as you wish. There's a fence pointing the edge of the property. Our neighbor is half deaf, almost blind and has a bad habit to shoot first and ask questions later so please, try to stay on our side of the fence."

"I will. It's beautiful."

"That it is, dear. It's also rather small for a camping site but we used to be pretty busy around the summers in the old days."

"Good old days?" Sam asked.

"Personally, I prefer what we have now. I've had my share of busy."

Sam nodded and they walked further.

"There's a shower and other facilities in that building." Caroline pointed at the brown-painted house on the left side of the road, near the beach. Sam didn't noticed the building at first because it was close to the treeline and the color was an effective camouflage. "There's also a simple kitchen, a little fridge for whatever you are going to buy from the town. There's a barbecue on the beach, the coals are under the kitchen sink, feel free to use it whenever you want."

"Sounds almost too perfect to be true," Sam chuckled. "What's the catch?"

"No catch. Except the fact that there are no activities and the closest place to get food is the town I told you about. If you want coffee, you can always come knock on our door, we live across the street. I bake wicked cookies."

"We'll see about that, -" Sam stopped short when she realized she didn't know the woman's name.

"Oh forgive me," she apologized and offered her hand. "I'm Caroline."

"Samantha. My friends call me Sam."

"Well then, Sam." She lowered the tent to the ground. "I think I'll leave you to get comfortable. You can drive your fancy bike here but please keep it on the graveled area."

"Of course," Sam nodded. "Thank you."

"Oh, thank _you,_ Sam. It's been too long since anyone has dropped in that seems to appreciate the place."

"Hard to believe."

As Caroline headed back to the reception building, Sam decided to take a look at the kitchen and facilities. The front door was on the side facing the lake and there were two windows on that wall, one on each side of the door. Sam stepped in and noticed there was a small dining table on the left, under the window. There was a lot of empty space on the left wall so Sam guessed there had been more tables at some point.

On the back wall were the fridge and stove, bit old perhaps but fully operational, along with a sink and some cupboards that were, to Sam's surprise, filled with plates, glasses, pots and pans and everything you might need in a kitchen. Sam could see there had been another stove on the right wall but that spot was empty now, only the cupboards remained.

The walls were painted with warm white and the cupboards were pale yellow. The room seemed to bathe in sunshine despite the fact that the lakeside windows were the only source of natural light.

Right of the door there was a small corridor. Sam followed it and found dressing rooms for men and women. There were a few showers and toilets in both of them. More than enough for her but she was sure there had been more at the reception building during those busy old days.

Half an hour later Sam had set up her camp under one of the birches, close to the treeline so that the tent was shadowed from the evening sun. She did, however, have a fabulous view at the small lake and the sunrise. Sam glanced at her watch and was shocked to realize it was already seven in the evening. Her body was starting to complain about the lack of food since she left before breakfast and only ate the quick lunch along the way.

As Sam got up, she wondered what Jack was doing right now. Probably the boys were over, keeping him company. If they had been drinking, Daniel would pass out any minute now. She sighed and made a promise she'd call him anyway, as soon as she got back from the town.

In the end she sent a text message instead. "Alive and well. Found a place to stay for a few days. Getting started with this thinking thing."

"Good to hear from you. We're fine here, too. All of us."

Sam had been expecting specific news about Jack but maybe it was a good thing she didn't know more. He was fine, that was enough for her.

She downed the last of her tea cup, placed it outside the tent and pulled the journal from her backpack.

__**Sunday, Camping site**__

_This place is so beautiful_, she started._ I think I'll stay for a while, see if I can get the hang of this writing thing._

She left some space below that line and wrote down the facts again.

_Two days ago our baby died._

_Yesterday I walked out on the love of my life._

Sam stared at the words, wondering where that came from. It was true, though. And now she had to make sure it was worth it.

As Sam crawled into her sleeping bag, Jack collapsed on his bed at the same moment. He had cleaned up the garage, a task he had been putting off for as long as he could remember. He had started as soon as he realized he wasn't going to get any more sleep that night which was around four in the morning. He had only taken a short break to order some pizza and another one to eat it when it arrived.

Daniel had called around noon, asked if he wanted company. Jack had simply told he had enough to keep himself busy and that he was fine and didn't need a babysitter. He looked at the blisters on his hands, thinking maybe he should have accepted some help after all. Not that Daniel was much of help but Teal'c might have made a difference.

The problem was, if there had been three of them, they would have finished the project in the afternoon already and that would have meant he had all evening for himself and his thoughts. No, this was perfect. Working long and hard so that he was ready to pass out as soon as his head hit the pillow. Maybe tomorrow he'd clean up the house. Yeah, that was a good plan.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Let me know what you think! I know this chapter was different but I hope the change of mood wasn't too drastic. Next chapter is about Sam getting started with the thinking and who knows, maybe even writing.

P.S. I have no idea what camping sites are like in the US so please forgive me if it's completely wrong. The place is a piece of my imagination and it seemed like a nice setting for Sam's stay.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters and settings are property of their lawful owners. This story is written for entertainment purposes only and no profit is made. No copyright infringement intended.

****A/N: ****Thank you for the reviews! And to answer _immerrda_'s question, I don't have a beta. I'll think about it. I'm a shy perfectionist when it comes to my stories so... I don't know.

This chapter has stretched from the original 1400 words to over 2000 in the past few days. That's the reason why I'm late with this update. It felt too short at first but now I don't know if it's too long.

Also, a note about **timeline**: When I wrote this story, I thought it happens a few years after the events of "Divide and Conquer" which would place it in the first half of season 7, after Fallen but before Chimera. However this story is not tied to the events of the episodes so you can just consider it an AU.****  
><strong>**

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><p><strong>CHAPTER 4<strong>

Sam was awake long before sunrise despite the fact that her sleep had been troubled. She had laid awake most of the night, listening to birds. She had replayed all their recent off-world missions in her head and she couldn't find a single one where she had heard birds at night. Sandstorms, wind, parties, gunfire... But no birds. At least not the types that sing, only huge predator birds that screech when they dive for their prey. It was amazing how the most common things could feel so exotic all of a sudden.

All night she had thought about their adventures, all the places they had visited, and wondered if she really could live the rest of her live as a scientist, in her lab instead of exploring the worlds out there. But SG-1 was gone and things would never be the same again. That door was closed, now she had to decide which one of the new ones she wanted to open. With a sigh she got up, picked her tea cup and made her way to the kitchen.

When the sun rose, she was sitting at the end of the dock, feet in the water and a cup of tea in her hands. She had cut down the coffee when she found out she was pregnant and she wasn't quite ready to get back to her old habits. Besides, tea was better for her sleep. She noticed a little trail following the lake shore and decided to take a walk as soon as the sun was high enough on the sky.

Sam snatched the sleeping mat from her tent and then headed onto the trail with some sandwiches, water bottles and the journal in her backpack. She was glad to notice the trail was easy to walk. She had deliberately left her cell phone and watch at the tent. It didn't matter what time it was and all her phone calls were directed into the voice mail anyway. She would check them when she got back. She had taped a single note on the tent, _Gone around the lake, be back by evening. Sam, _so Caroline would know where she went in case something happened.

It took her almost half an hour to reach the other side of the lake even though it was rather small and the trail was easy to walk. Of course in a combat situation she would have made it in 15 minutes if needed but she was in no hurry now. She decided to stay a while on the smooth rocks that lined the lake on this side. Sam spread the sleeping mat on the ground and sat down. She took a gulp of water before she lay down in the shadow of a pine tree, closed her eyes and let her thoughts wander.

She tried to think about the time before their night together, before everything changed. What did she dream about back then? That time felt like a lifetime away though it had only been seven weeks and few days. But so much had happened those few weeks.

First day back at work after their night together had been a little awkward but they got over it. They got back to their easy interaction, friendly banter, rules... Their smiles might have held a little more meaning than before but they knew they would be fine, it wouldn't change their friendship or anything else between them.

If she hadn't gotten pregnant, they would have continued their lives and work like they had all those years. It would have been so much easier. The pain in her heart wouldn't exist, there would be no lump in her throat, no chaos in her head.

Sam had told Jack she wanted a time machine but did she really? It was the easy way out. Would she really take it all back if she could? Would she really wipe out all the good moments and promises along with the pain of the loss? Would she really go back to pretending and wishing now that she knew what it was like to have him, to be free to love him, to be allowed to plan a future with him?

_What did I dream about before that night?_ she asked herself again. "Jack," she snorted. She dreamed about Jack. She had for years already. But now the 'someday' they had been waiting for was suddenly 'today'. She had a chance to be with him but she didn't know what to do with it because she felt like it wasn't her choice, the decision was made for her.

Sam wondered if there was an alternate timeline where she carried the baby to full term. Were they happy in that timeline? Did she have this same crises somewhere along the way? Did she go back to him? Did he take her back?

She had no idea how long she stayed there and let her thoughts jump back and forth between random little things, but she came back to reality when the heat was starting to be too much. The sun had moved enough to tear away her comfortable shade.

Her thoughts seemed bit more organized now, she was glad to notice. It wasn't a chaotic mess anymore but started to take shapes again. She didn't know the answers yet but at least she knew some of the questions now. It was a start. Maybe she'd even get something on paper later that day. Sam glanced at the sky and realized the sun was so high it had to be past noon already. She wondered if she should head back to the tent but right now she kinda liked the sunny side of the lake better, despite the heat.

One glance at the calm water and her mind was set. She emptied the pockets of her khaki shorts and went for a quick swim. Just enough to wipe off the hot afternoon sun from her skin. When she dragged herself up to the rocks again, she couldn't help the little laugh escaping her lips. It had been _ages_ since she went for a swim with her clothes on. Well, at least voluntarily.

Sam ate a sandwich, put on some sunscreen and lay down again, deciding the sun would dry her clothes sooner or later. She must have fallen asleep because she woke up when the air started to get chilly. Despite that the sunset was still hours away so Sam decided to head back to the tent, grab a sweater and come back later. She decided to make a full round around the lake instead of following her steps back.

When she arrived at the camping site, Sam took a quick shower and then cooked a quick meal. She ate on the dock again, sitting on the edge with her feet in the water, looking over the lake. After dinner she walked around the lake again to watch the sunset from the rocks and then made her way back to the dock.

She wasn't tired, Sam realized as she sipped her tea and listened to the birds again. It was late but she had napped several hours in the sun earlier. Sam lowered the tea cup and reached for the journal. _Might as well get started_, she thought and opened the book on the first empty page.

Her thoughts were bit more organized now but she wasn't on the stage of turning them into complete sentences just yet. Suddenly she got an idea: a mindmap. Those were great for gathering ideas and random thoughts in some kind of order. That she could do. At least she really hoped so. The moon was rising and there was just enough light for writing outside. It was perfect.

She decided to start with the problem number one which was "Who am I?" and work her way up from there.

Sam stared at the empty page for a few seconds before she wrote "Samantha Carter" in the middle of it. _Soldier_, _Scientist _and _Woman_ soon circled that word and one by one more and more words linked to each other. She kept going for hours, using lots of pages for sub-maps when the original page became too crowded. Every now and then she got up and walked to the kitchen to make herself a new cup of tea but she always came back to the dock. It just didn't feel right to do this at the kitchen table under a light bulb.

Finally she looked at the pages and realized it was ready. The next few hours she spent going through the diagrams and little by little it started to clear out. It truly was a map, a map of Samantha Carter, and Sam was relieved to noticed it really helped, showed her the right direction.

The first rays of sun had just made their way over the horizon when someone pushed a cup of coffee under her nose. At first she thought she was hallucinating but it smelled too good not to be real. She took the cup and looked up to find Caroline's smiling face looking down at her.

"Thank you," Sam said and took a sip of the dark liquid. "Tastes like heaven," she sighed and the woman chuckled before she sat down next to her with her own cup. "It's decaf but it's still coffee," Caroline said and placed a little jar of cookies between them. For a long time they just sat there in silence, looking at the sunrise, munching the cookies and sipping their coffees. They really were great cookies, Caroline hadn't lied about that.

"So..." Caroline started when their cups were almost empty. "How is he?"

"Who?" Sam asked, startled.

"That special someone who's waiting for you to come home."

"Oh. He's fine, as far as I know."

"You miss him."

"I do," Sam sighed and watched how the rising sun reflected from the lake surface. "But I need to sort out something first."

"There's nothing wrong with needing some space for your own thoughts every now and then," Caroline said softly. "We've had our moments, too, over the years."

"How long have you two been together?"

"Oh my... Forty-seven years, I think," she said softly, obviously still doing the math in her head. "Yes, forty-eight years in October. Oh Dear."

Sam chuckled at the shocked afterthought.

"And you?" Caroline asked.

"Depends how you count it, I guess."

"When did you meet?"

"Six years ago."

"And how long have you been in love?"

"Most of that time," Sam sighed.

"And when did you find the courage to do something about it?"

"Two months ago." If one drunk encounter could be called 'doing something about it'. "Or one month, it depends... It's complicated."

"Ah, now I understand."

"Yeah..." Sam sighed. "It just feels like... Like too much has happened in such a short time and I..."

"You feel like you forgot yourself at the last turn."

"Exactly."

"You'll figure it out."

"I know." And for the first time since she left the Springs, she really believed it.

"There's no anger in you," Caroline said softly. "Only sadness. That's a good sign."

"I've done my share of being angry at the universe. There's no-one to blame for what happened this time."

"Hold that thought and you'll find your answer," the woman said softly and squeezed Sam's shoulder before she got up. "And sleep a little, dear. Soon it will be too warm for that." She extended her hand and Sam gave her the empty coffee cup.

"Thank you," she said sincerely.

"You're welcome," Caroline said with a wide smile. "I don't normally bug our guests but you looked like you needed it."

"I really did."

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><p><strong>AN:** Let me know what you think! I hope this chapter wasn't too chaotic.  
>With "sleeping mat" I mean a pad made of closed cell foam which you spread on the ground under your sleeping bag. I found several words for the same thing, searched them all on google and chose the one that gave the most results. Let me know if it's not the right one.<p>

Aaand I really hope you know what a mindmap is. If not, google it. :D


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters and settings are property of their lawful owners. This story is written for entertainment purposes only and no profit is made. No copyright infringement intended.

**A/N: **Thank you for the reviews! _All_ feedback is appreciated.

I apologize for the delay. I can be bit of a perfectionist and I just wasn't happy with this chapter. Finally a friend pointed out that maybe the reason why it felt wrong was that it's supposed to be two chapters. Therefore, I'm proud to present you a double update with chapters 5 and 6. It won't become a habit but consider it an apology for the long wait.

I would like to point out that I have never been through a miscarriage (or a pregnancy) so I admit there's no way for me to know what it's like to lose a child. I don't intentionally diminish or mock anyone's pain and I apologize if I offend somebody with this story.

Also, dear sgfan2000: I added a small explanation in the updated author's note at the end of chapter 1.

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><p><strong>CHAPTER 5<strong>

The next day and a half Sam spent going through the notes she made that night. She took walks around the lake, sat on the rocks or on the dock and just thought about it all. Little by little the picture became more and more clear in her mind. She kept the journal close to her at all times and scribbled down random thoughts all over the pages. She wrote about her hopes, dreams, fears, about what she wanted to do with her future...

She didn't even try to write on the lines anymore or form complete sentences. She was writing it for herself and it didn't matter if the words and pictures made any sense to others or not. She made a lot of 'pros and cons' lists. Actually, she made so many of those that even _she_ found it funny already.

It was Wednesday afternoon and Sam had just finished a list titled "Life with Jack" which turned out to be three pages long. Well the cons were three pages, pros only one. She fully aware of the fact that she was more making excuses than solving a problem rationally.

She had tried to be objective but truth was, she had been in love with the man for years. Where was she supposed to find an objective point of view all of a sudden? So she tried to list every single reason why being with him was a bad idea, starting with his annoying habits and ending with the big, possible problems like him being her CO for 6 years and the fact that neither of them was very good at talking despite all the practicing they'd done lately.

Sam titled the next list "Life without Jack" and stared at it for a long time, trying to come up with something to write. In the end she just couldn't imagine her life without him in it, one way or another. SG-1 was gone and there really weren't that many ways left. That was the deal breaker, Sam realized and closed the journal. She stared at it for a few minutes, wondering why she was trying to fight against something that felt right. Maybe it was just a habit from the time not so long ago when it was wrong that being with him felt right. Sam reached for her cell phone and pushed the speed dial before she had time to overthink the matter again.

The phone rang three times before she heard the barked "O'Neill."

"Am I interrupting something?" she asked, amused, and lowered the journal next to her.

"Sam!" He sounded genuinely surprised to hear from her.

"Yep. That's me." Sam closed her eyes and leaned back to lay on the dock. It felt so good to hear his voice again.

"Everything alright?"

"Yeah. It's getting better. Less chaotic."

"That's good."

For a few seconds they just listened to each others breathing.

"I miss you," Sam whispered finally.

"I miss you, too," he spoke softly.

"How are you?"

"Ah, you know me. Keeping busy to avoid spending too much time with my thoughts."

"Bad thoughts?"

"Nothing I can't handle," he said with a confidence of a man who had handled a lot of bad thoughts in his life.

_Charlie! _The thought suddenly flashed through Sam's brain like an electric shock and her eyes shot open to stare at the bright blue sky. "I'm sorry," she managed to whisper, wondering how she could not realize something like that. She just packed her bag and took off and didn't stop for one second to think what _Jack _was going through.

"I'm OK," Jack reassured her but Sam wasn't sure if he knew what she had apologized for.

"I'm an ass," Sam sighed. "I should have stayed. We should work this out together."

"We will," he said firmly. "But I can't help you with the other stuff. So you figure that part out first. I'll be just fine meanwhile."

"The part about who I am and what I wanna do," Sam mumbled and closed her eyes again.

"Yup. That one." Sam swore she could _hear_ his crooked grin and that twinkle in his eyes. She knew he was changing subject but that was fine. She didn't really know what to say anyway.

"I think I've sorted out most of it already."

"That's good."

"I still don't know when I'm coming home, though."

"I know. Take all the time you need. I'm not going anywhere."

"You were right, by the way," Sam said and was proud that she almost managed to sound nonchalant.

"That happens every now and then," Jack chuckled. "About what this time?"

"The baby was just an excuse."

"Oh?" She could tell from his voice he wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

Sam took a deep breath. "I thought I only did what the baby needed and not what I wanted. Took a few sleepless nights to realize those two were the same all along."

"See?" Jack said and she could hear the comforting smile in his voice. "If you had just listened to me in the first place, you wouldn't be _there_ right now. Where are you, anyway?" He wasn't mocking her confession with the change of subject, he was merely telling her it was something they would talk about face to face, not on the phone.

"I don't know," Sam sighed, opened her eyes and turned her head a little to look at the building by the lake, the one where the kitchen was, hoping the name of the campsite would suddenly appear on the wall. She still hadn't bothered to ask the the name of the place or decipher the decorative writing on the main gate.

"Don't know or don't want to tell?"

"Don't know. I've driven six hundred miles since I left so I'd say somewhere within that radius from the Springs. There's a small lake here."

"Ah, doesn't narrow down a bit. Any fish?"

Sam smiled at his quip and decided to play along. "I don't know. I didn't bring my fishing rod with me."

"You have a fishing rod?"

"Christmas present from you, remember?" It was somewhere in the attic, she was pretty sure. Yes, next to the box that held all her out-of-date science books.

"Really? That was supposed to go to Daniel. I wonder what he liked about the silky nightgown."

Sam's laughter started as a little chuckle but turned into uncontrollable giggles soon when all the stress and emotions of the past week found a way out.

"You done yet?" Jack asked, obviously amused, when she was gasping for breath after the fit.

"No, just taking a break to breathe."

"Alright then. Permission to continue."

She chuckled a little longer and then pulled herself together.

"God, that felt good," she sighed and wiped the tears of laughter from her eyes.

"Likewise," Jack chuckled.

"I think I'd better hang up soon. I have... lots of important... nothing... to do."

"Don't tire yourself."

"I'll do my best. I'll call or text in a few days."

"It's alright."

"And please, tell Daniel I'm alive. I forgot to text him yesterday."

"Sure. And Sam?"

"Yeah?"

"If I had thought your trip was a bad idea, you never would have walked out that door." His voice was gentle but firm, leaving no space for disagreement. Sam heard the order and the promise in those words: _Don't feel guilty. We'll talk when you get back._

"Thank you." She really needed to hear that from him. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

"Bye."

"Bye."

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><p><strong>AN: **I know that was bit different but I just couldn't imagine them talking things through on the phone. This chapter is also crucial to a few chapters that will come later so I hope you will eventually see it as a part of the picture despite the different mood.

A review would be super cool. They always make my day. And don't forget there's another chapter, too!**  
><strong>


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters and settings are property of their lawful owners. This story is written for entertainment purposes only and no profit is made. No copyright infringement intended.

**A/N: **This is part two of my double update of the day so if you haven't read chapter 5 yet, I recommend you do that now.

Most of this chapter wasn't in the original draft but it felt like a good way to tie things together and I like the way it turned out. Let me know what you think.

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><p><strong>CHAPTER 6<br>**

After the phone call, Sam made herself a cup of tea before she got back to the dock and opened the journal again. She found an empty page and let her thoughts wander. The pen was dancing on the page but Sam wasn't really paying attention to what she was writing. When she eventually came back to reality, there was only one word on the paper, written with big, bold letters which were enhanced dozens of times.

_TALKING_.

It was surprising how many thoughts and memories that one word could raise to the surface. The first was the phone call. It had felt so good to speak with him again. She also remembered the unspoken promise that they would talk more when she got back, whenever that was. Sam was surprised to notice that the thought of a serious discussion didn't feel scary anymore. As a matter of fact she was looking forward to it.

The word 'talking' also reminded her of the non-conversations they had had for years when they weren't allowed to use the words they wanted to. She remembered the looks, the subtle touches, how she could read so many things from the way he whispered _Carter_. For years the things they didn't say were the ones she heard loud and clear, the ones that meant the most.

Considering that, the transition to _actual _conversations had been rather easy. They still didn't need many words to make their point but that was because they understood each other so well, not because they weren't allowed to say those words.

Sam remembered the day she found out she was pregnant, the day they started to talk for real.

She had been feeling weird for a few weeks but hadn't really been concerned about it until she realized her period was late. She had bought a pregnancy test, peed on the stick and then hopped into her car and driven to Jack's, knowing she wouldn't be able to drive once she found out the result, no matter what that was. She had parked on the street a block from his place and checked the test, then walked to his door in a haze, the pregnancy test still in her hand.

"_Carter? What's wrong?" he asked as soon as he opened the door and all she managed was to stare at him. He gently guided her inside and closed the door._ "_Carter? What happened?"_

"_I'm pregnant," she managed to whisper, staring at his chest when she spoke._

"_Huh?" He blinked a few times and Sam raised the hand that still held the test._

"_Smiley face?" Jack asked when he saw the stick._

"_That means it's positive."_

"_Alright," he nodded and she let her hand drop to her side._

"_What do we do about it?" she asked and looked straight into his eyes._

"_We'll be alright," he told her with a tiny, crooked smile and she knew she could trust that promise, no matter what would happen next, and that was all she really needed to know._

"_OK," she nodded._

Then he had wrapped his arms around her and apologized. Sam still wasn't sure what for. Maybe for letting that one night happen, for not being more careful, for destroying her career, maybe even on some level for taking advantage of her. She hadn't cared about his apologies because she was equally guilty for whatever he was sorry about.

What really calmed her back then was the hesitation in his voice and something about his body language when he held her and whispered those words. Something about them made her think he didn't really mean it. "I'm sorry," he had said but Sam also hear the unspoken "OK I'm not but I should be" at the end.

Sam remembered that even then, shocked and emotional, she had smirked against his shoulder when she realized he was excited about the baby. Oh, he hid it well in the beginning, underneath all that guilt, but it was there from that very first reaction.

They had talked that night. They sat on his couch, drank gallons of tea and talked about what they would do. They had talked about work, about what their options were. They had also talked about their future and Sam had been surprised how natural it had felt. There had been no confessions of love, no talk about the past years, they just started to build their future up from the unspoken, self-evident fact that they would make it together, as a family.

"We'll be alright," Sam whispered to the empty campsite as she stared at the page of the journal. The promise Jack made that evening was still very much valid, she realized, despite the fact that there was just the two of them left. Or maybe even more valid because of that.

Sam got up and decided to take a walk around the lake to clear her head before she made any decisions.

* * *

><p>A few hours later she was once again at the end of the dock with her journal, a cup of tea and this time also a box of tissues. On the walk around the lake Sam had realized there was one more thing she had to write.<p>

Sam took a deep breath and lowered the pen on the pale page of the book, hoping the words would just find their way out because she had no idea what to write.

_"When we mourn for death, we mourn for the things that will never happen, the words that will never be spoken, the smiles we'll never see, the jokes we'll never laugh at together._

_I don't even know if I have a right to mourn for you like a dead loved one. How do you mourn for the death of someone who was never alive?_

_But you were a wish, a possibility. You were all the things you might have become. _

_I'm mourning for the things we will never have._

_I'm mourning like I had known you forever yet you were nothing more than the beginning of a story that will never be told._

_Once upon a time there was the end._

_That's not how fairy tales are supposed to go. There should be good moments and bad moments, laughter and tears. There should be a journey to share, dragons to kill, half the kingdom and a prince or a princess. Most of all, there should be a happy ending._

_And there should be memories. All I have is a grainy ultrasound picture. _

_You didn't even look like a human yet, but you were my child and I loved you more than anything in this world."_

Sam didn't even realize she was crying until a single tear dropped on the paper, smearing the word _I_ of the _I loved you_. She dried her eyes and the paper, then stared at the smudge and the sentence for a moment before she wrote _we_ on the empty place and fixed the whole paragraph. _But you were our child and we loved you more than anything in this world. _She smiled through the tears when she added _or any of the others _at the end.

Sam looked at that page for a long time and somehow she knew the journal was finished now. She flipped through the pages to see what she had managed to get on paper on her trip. The whole book looked messy and chaotic, but despite that it looked right and she was filled with a sense of calm when she looked at the notes. Maybe that was what Daniel meant when he gave her the journal. She had poured all the chaos from her head onto the paper and her mind was crystal clear now.

She had figured out all she came here to figure out. The rest they would work out together.

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><p><strong>AN: **Let me know.**  
><strong>


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters and settings are property of their lawful owners. This story is written for entertainment purposes only and no profit is made. No copyright infringement intended.

**A/N: **Thank you for the reviews! And I'm sorry for the long wait, I hope you're still with me. You can blame the delay on Stockholm (I love that city!) and a flu. Or just me and my inability to schedule things, whichever you prefer. It's a long chapter, though. To make up for the delay.

I have mixed feelings about this chapter. I love the plot of this one but I'm not sure about the... delivery? The way the words came out. But I'll let you form your own opinion.

Let me know what you think! It means the world to me.

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><p><strong>CHAPTER 7<strong>

It was late the next evening when Jack heard a knock on his front door. He sighed and made his way to the door, expecting to find Daniel at his doorstep because he had obeyed Jack's wish to stay alone for -he checked his watch- 32 hours already. Wow, that was a record.

"Sam," he sighed her name when he opened the door, obviously not believing his eyes.

"Jack," she said firmly and tried to look stoic but her face soon melted into a wide smile. She was home again and it felt so good to see him.

"You're back," he stated the obvious which Sam confirmed with a simple "yes" and a little nod.

"So," he started as he stepped aside to let her in. "Did you find yourself?"

"No," she said as she walked in and lowered her backpack on the floor next to the door.

"No?" His eyebrows shot high into the hairline.

"Can't find something you never lost," she explained with a gentle smile and took off her coat.

"Well, that's true." Jack was surprised how relieved he felt when Sam let him hang the coat. It was a little thing but for him, it meant she was staying. She wasn't just dropping by to inform him it wouldn't work out.

They stood there in the hallway, smiling at each other, both trying to find something to say.

"You look..." Jack started and then stopped to search for a right word. "Healthy. Happy. _Tanned._"

"That's what happens when you fall asleep on the dock around noon. Especially if that happens three days in a row."

"So," he wiggled his eyebrows. "Any tan lines?"

"That's for me to know and you to find out," she said with a teasing grin.

Suddenly Jack stepped forward and hugged her so tight she couldn't breath for a moment.

"I missed you," he mumbled into her hair. Sam hugged him back with equal force and determination. Actions speak louder than words, after all.

"We'll be alright," she whispered, aware of the fact that she was just repeating the promise he made when she told him about the pregnancy.

"I know," he said but didn't let go of her or even ease his grip. Neither did she.

"But we need to talk. About everything."

"About the baby," he mumbled.

"Yes... And about future because we sure have one."

"Damn right," Jack agreed. "And who knows..." he spoke softly, sounding a little hesitant. "Maybe even that family someday."

Sam smiled and nodded against his shoulder. "I'd like that."

She was surprised to realize she liked the word _someday _now. Not so long ago she hated the word because it represented everything they wanted but couldn't have, a whole life just out of their reach. But now... Now it was a good word. A word of future and possibilities, a word of hope.

"Promise me you'll never let me leave like that again," Sam whispered.

Jack kissed her forehead gently before he spoke. "I can promise you many things, Sam, but that's not one of them. If you need to leave, you leave. And then you'll come back and we'll sort it out."

"What if I don't come back one day?"

"Then I've probably done something so idiotic that I don't deserve you to come back."

Sam snorted but didn't say anything.

"I know you, Sam," Jack whispered. "You don't just run away and hide when there's a problem. _I_ might do that, but you? Never."

"You think too highly of me."

"Not possible." He eased his grip of her a little. "You want something? Coffee, tea, ice cream?"

"Food if you have any. I was so busy driving home that I kinda skipped all the meals."

Jack made some space between and looked at her with raised eyebrows.

"OK not _all_ of them," she quickly corrected. "Just... Breakfast and dinner. Or I guess lunch and dinner since I _did_ eat breakfast but it was at lunchtime."

"Alright. Pizza or Chinese?"

An hour later Sam placed the last empty rice carton on the coffee table and snuggled up against Jack's shoulder. She was now dressed in sweat pants she had borrowed from Jack. She didn't pack much for the trip and she was out of clean clothes already. She probably should have stopped at her house first once she was back in town but she honestly hadn't even thought about that option when she was on her way. She wanted to get home and this is where she ended up, on Jack's couch.

"I'm sorry I just took off like that." It felt important to start with that even though she knew they wouldn't be having this reunion right now if she hadn't left.

"It's alright," he said and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. "I knew you'd come back."

"Yeah..."

"And you didn't just take off, Sam. If you had sneaked out that door in the morning without saying a word, then I would have felt a little offended." If she had left without telling him about the miscarriage, he would have been devastated. But he didn't want to think about that option too much and chose not to say it out loud.

They were silent for a while until Sam spoke softly. "The scientist in me knows there's nothing I could have done. But the other part..." _The mother, _Sam thought but couldn't bring herself to say the word out loud. "The other part keeps thinking I should have been happier about the baby. I should have talked to it, I should have... I don't know. Loved more."

"I'm sorry to tell you but it doesn't go like that," his voice was soft and somehow distant, like he was lost in memories somewhere. "No matter how much you love your kid, bad things still happen."

Sam knew he was thinking about Charlie. Caroline's words from few days earlier ringed in her ears. _There's no anger in you, only sadness._ That's what she read in Jack's tone and posture, too. Some guilt but most of all, sadness. _That's a good sign._

"You wanna talk about it?" she asked softly because that's what you're supposed to ask even when you know the other person has no intention of talking about it.

"Not tonight," he shook his head. "One day, just not today."

"Alright," Sam nodded, surprised. There was no _maybe _or _I don't know_, just a simple promise that they would get to that at some point. That was more than she had ever dared to hope for.

When Sam realized he wasn't going to say anything else, she decided she might as well get it all off her chest. "I was also a little freaked out about this. About _us_."

"Yeah, I noticed."

"I just... It's hard to explain. I was scared it wasn't real, that this isn't real. Being with you felt too easy considering we started from the wrong end of the list. First, get a kid together. Then have serious conversations about having a kid together. Then... I don't know, I think that's as far as we got. I guess the next in line would have been marriage, then engagement, moving in together and last dating."

"Don't forget we started with the 'spend time together' which would be last or second to last on that list according to your logic. I'm sure we can mix it up a little more."

"How about we start with the dating this time?" Sam suggested but realized she didn't like about that idea after all because it meant she'd have to go home so he could come pick her up for a dinner. She could just stay here and he'd pay the take-out dinners. They could still call it dating, right?

"Well I was thinking more like switching the engagement _before_ the marriage but whatever floats your boat."

Sam chuckled but she also heard the serious undertone in his joking. _Whatever makes you happy._

"And don't worry," Jack said and kissed the top of her head. "That was not me proposing."

"Too bad," Sam sighed and closed her eyes. "I might have said yes."

"Hold that thought and I'll try again with a ring." He started to get up but Sam grabbed his shirt.

"Don't even try to go anywhere now. I'm comfortable here."

"You sure? It's a nice ring." He wiggled his eyebrows and Sam let go. She frowned, wondering if he was serious. Then she wondered if _she_ was serious.

Jack walked back to the living room few minutes later, smiling nervously. Instead of sitting next to her he stood in front of the couch. Sam raised her eyebrows, surprised. Then he used the coffee table to help him get down on one knee and her pulse was up the roof all of a sudden.

"Samantha Carter," he started, paused for a second to take a deep breath and then pulled the velvet box from the pocket of his jeans. "Will you marry me?"

Sam stared at the closed box, gaping, trying to find something to say. "You're insane," she finally managed to whisper.

"Yep. You've known that for years so no news there." Jack opened the lid to reveal the simple ring.

Sam took the box to take a closer look at it. "When did you get this?"

"Two years ago."

Sam's shocked eyes met his. "OK that's when I found it," he corrected. "Bought it a few weeks ago."

She went back to staring at the ring and no matter how hard Jack tried, he couldn't read her expression. "Uh, don't mean to break the moment but could you help me up?" His knee was really starting to protest and he had a hunch it would take a while for Sam to process the actual question and give an answer.

Sam placed the ring on the side table and helped Jack on the couch next to her. Then she took the box in her hand again. She didn't touch the ring, just stared at it intensely. Maybe she was counting the small diamonds, Jack thought. Maybe he should have bought the ring with one huge diamond after all. But it was _this_ ring that kept yelling _Carter _from the moment he saw it.

"You know," Jack said softly. "Not that I've proposed that many times but in the movies this is the part where you say something." _Or kiss me._ But he was slowly starting to lose his hope about that outcome. This was a bad idea. Too much, too soon. If only he could read her mind, there seemed to be so much going on behind those eyes right then but he had no idea if it was a good thing or a bad thing.

"You're insane," she mumbled again.

"We covered that. Something else." He almost managed to keep the beginning of a panic out of his voice.

"I just got back and... there's so much we need to talk about and..." _And this can't be fixed with ring, just like it couldn't be fixed with chocolate, either, _Sam thought but didn't say out loud.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know taking my ring meant we stop talking."

Sam turned to look at him and realized for the first time that he was nervous as hell. At least if that look on his face and the degree of his sarcasm were any indicators. Then she realized that maybe she had once again twisted his suggestion into something more complicated than what it really was.

Maybe he was simply giving her the ring because he wanted her to have it. Maybe he really didn't think of it as a way to skip the difficult conversations like she had first thought. Maybe he wanted to give her the ring _despite_ everything, not _instead_ of something.

"For crying out loud, Carter. Just say no and put me out of my misery already. It was a bad idea." He reached to take the box but she pulled it away.

"Was it?" She stared at him with those big blue eyes, trying to find the final confirmation whether her suspicions were right or not.

Jack heaved a sigh. "It was the best idea I've had in years," he admitted. "And that sucks because if this was a bad idea, it means all my other ideas have been terrible."

"I don't know..." Sam mumbled and turned the box a little, watching how the light reflected from the diamonds. "I kinda like this idea." Because in the end, all he was asking was if she wanted to marry him. And it was really a simple question when she didn't overthink it.

"Really?" He seemed genuinely surprised.

And then, there it was, the answer he had been looking for: A full-blown Carter-smile. One of those million-watt ones that lit up the whole room and made him feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Jack reached to pick up the ring from the box. "So that's a yes then?" he asked and she nodded.

"Come on, Sam. I wanna hear the words."

"Yes, I will marry you Jack O'Neill."

"Sweet," he sighed as he put the ring on her finger. For a moment they both just stared at it.

"P4X-427," Sam said matter-of-factly, looking at the ring.

"Excuse me?"

"The pattern. It reminds me of the constellation on P4X-427. The one we could see between the trees."

"Ah... I didn't realize that before but it kinda explains why I liked it so much." He could remember that mission despite the fact that it had happened over two years ago. Sam had the last watch of the night but he couldn't sleep after his own. She had seemed troubled, sad even, and he had been a little worried about her. Not that he'd ever admit that to her.

He had found her sitting on a small hill and had sat down next to her. Neither of them had said anything, they had simply sat there, close to each other but not touching, and admired the spectacular view when the stars slowly faded away to make space for the rising sun.

It had felt like a special night despite the fact that no words were exchanged. But then again, they had always had the most meaningful conversations without words. He wasn't sure what his presence had told her that night, but she wasn't sad the next morning.

"You know," Jack said, bit hesitantly. "I never found out what really bothered you that night."

"Someone asked me out." She said softly and turned to look at him and the smile on her lips could only be described as guilty.

"As in... for a date?"

"Yes. And I was trying to decide how to respond to the invitation."

"Ah," he sighed, hoping she would continue and he wouldn't have to ask what was the big thing about it. It couldn't be the first time ever she was asked on a date.

"It wasn't really that specific guy that made me think... I just... It was the concept of dating. Because I didn't... I wasn't sure if... whatever we had, the thing between you and me... I didn't know if it was really there or just my imagination. I didn't know if we were worth waiting for."

"It was always there." And from his point of view it had always been worth waiting for but that was just his subjective opinion.

"I know that now," she said, smiling, and looked straight into his eyes, all the emotions bare for him to see. And he knew that's what she realized on the hill that night, the reason why she looked relieved the next day. It was more than fitting that the ring reminded them of that night.

Jack wasn't sure which one of them leaned in and closed the gap between their lips but the kiss was gentle, slow and reassuring and it was Sam who finally broke it. She didn't move far, though, but leaned her forehead against his_,_ her eyes closed. He could hear the wheels turning in her head._  
><em>

"I have some weird tan lines," she whispered against his lips a moment later. "I could show them off if you're interested."

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** I know it's fast forward but I would like to point out that the ring is not a quick cure that fixes everything, just a flying start. Please, let me know what you think because I'm feeling bit insecure about this story right now.


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters and settings are property of their lawful owners. This story is written for entertainment purposes only and no profit is made. No copyright infringement intended.

**A/N: **Thank you all for the wonderful reviews for the last chapter! I think most of my insecurities came from the fact that the version I published was very different from the first draft and I just wasn't sure anymore which one was better. But I'm glad you liked it.

I apologize for the delay again, real life has been bit of a bitch lately and I haven't been sleeping well. But I'm back now and hopefully the updates will come more regularly now. That's not a promise, though, because I always end up breaking my promises. I already have drafts of all the remaining chapters (at the moment looks like 4 after this one) but they will need hours and hours of work until I'm happy with them.

This chapter is light and fluffy, no big bad things but we'll get back to those soon.

I'd like to thank Kiki for reminding me people still want to read this story. :D It helped me to get out of the "it's been too long, this chapter is not good enough to apologize for the delay" -panic. And it's _not_ good enough because you all are awesome and I'm not, but it's the best I could do.

Please, let me know if you're still with me.

* * *

><p><strong>PREVIOUSLY:<br>**

Jack reached to pick up the ring from the box. "So that's a yes then?" he asked and she nodded.

"Come on, Sam. I wanna hear the words."

"Yes, I will marry you Jack O'Neill."

"Sweet," he sighed as he put the ring on her finger.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Jack wasn't sure which one of them leaned in and closed the gap between their lips but the kiss was gentle, slow and reassuring and it was Sam who finally broke it. She didn't move far, though, but leaned her forehead against his_,_ her eyes closed. He could hear the wheels turning in her head._  
><em>

"I have some weird tan lines," she whispered against his lips a moment later. "I could show them off if you're interested."

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER 8<strong>

"How the _hell_ do you get tan lines like this?" Jack asked as his finger traced the edges of the large, rectangular white area on her stomach. They were both still wearing their underwear, lying on top of the covers. Sam was on her back and Jack on his side, propped up on his elbow to get a better look at the said tan lines.

"It's easy, really," Sam explained, purposefully using the same tone she had when she was about to start a long ramble of technobabble. She was tempted to go into the long explanation about how tan lines are formed in the first place but decided that might be a little cruel. For both of them. "You put bikinis on and then fall asleep on the dock while writing journal. Or I guess I was actually reading it at that point."

"Hmmm," Jack mumbled. His hand stilled on her tummy when he let his eyes wander over her body, searching for other interesting marks. Suddenly his eyes stopped at her breasts which were still covered with her very non-sexy sports bra. "Let me guess, the pen?" he asked before Sam could become self-conscious about her outfit.

Sam glanced down at herself and noticed a narrow white line between her breasts. "That's the best place to keep it. Otherwise it rolls into the lake through the little gaps in the dock."

"Of _course_ it does."

She could feel something was bothering him. He was still staring at the line between her breasts but his thoughts were elsewhere and that was little scary. Had to be a big problem to take his attention off that part of a woman's anatomy.

"Jack?" she asked softly, not wanting to startle him.

"Huh?" His eyes finally left her chest and met her gaze.

"Spill." It might have come out a little too harsh but Sam hoped he could read her eyes well enough to know she wasn't angry, just confused.

He looked thoughtful for a moment before he spoke softly. "Just thinking."

"I got that part," she said gently and turned to her side, facing him. His hand was resting on her bare side now and he started to draw lazy circles on her skin, probably unaware of the movement because he looked like he was still lost in thought, staring over her shoulder.

"We don't have to do this," she whispered, hoping he understood she meant the sex, not the engagement. His head snapped up suddenly and he looked straight into her eyes.

"It's not that I don't _want _you, Sam."

"I know," she said softly and smiled at him. "Talk to me."

Jack heaved a sigh and rolled on his back, closing his eyes. Sam stayed on her side, watching the little frown on his face when he obviously concentrated very hard to find the right words.

"You got back like an hour ago," he finally said softly but didn't open his eyes.

"Hour and a half, yes."

"And in that time we got engaged and decided to have another go at the family. Sometime in the future but anyway."

"Correct."

"It just feels a little too good to be true. Like... like it's all just a dream."

Sam nodded. He had a point there. How that related to not having sex, she had no idea.

"I've had plenty of dreams over the years," he said softly and finally opened his eyes to look at her face. "I want it to be real this time. To _feel_ real."

Sam closed her eyes to fight against the happy tears that had suddenly filled her eyes. For a man who's not good with words he sure was talented at blurting out the sweetest things she had ever heard.

"You OK?" he asked, sounding very concerned.

Sam chuckled and nodded but didn't open her eyes.

Jack hesitated a second before he reached out to touch her. "Come on, Sam. Look at me," he whispered as he stroked her cheek with his thumb.

She opened her eyes and flashed one of those megawatt smiles at him. Jack frowned, confused. There was a conflict between that smile and those tears in her eyes.

"That's a very good reason, Jack," she said with a smile. "Because it is, after all, sort of our first time."

Jack nodded, but didn't say anything, obviously wondering if he should say something out loud or not. "We never really talked about that night, you know," he finally said and his hand stilled against her skin. "About how much we remember."

"Not much, I'm afraid," Sam winced. "Flashes. Feelings. And the timeline is kinda blurry."

"Well that's more than I have. I remember getting in the cab. And that kiss when we got inside. After that... It's blank. Until the awkward morning after."

"Well, that kiss is kinda hard to forget." Sam grinned at the memory. "I think I'd remember it even after _two_ bottles of tequila."

"Which makes it even more embarrassing that I don't remember what happened after that."

Sam shifted a little, now snuggling against his side. She threw one leg between his and kissed his shoulder lovingly before she set her head on his chest. His arm wrapped around her shoulders. "I remember it felt right," she whispered. "Not awkward or guilty. Not like we just needed to get it out of our systems. It felt right."

She felt him nod but he didn't say anything.

"What are you thinking?" she asked after ten silent seconds.

"Uh... You don't wanna hear."

"I think I do."

"I was..." he started and paused. "I was kinda thinking if your dad would let us borrow those Tok'ra memory things. I mean it has to be in there somewhere. The memory. But when I thought about it more I remembered those holo-screen things and thought about actually watching it and it's just... Ewww."

Sam chuckled. "I agree. It's probably a good thing we don't remember. And Dad would have to stay in the room to operate the memory device."

"The look on his face would be worth recording, though," Jack mumbled absentmindedly.

"Oh, definitely. Watching her extremely wasted daughter jumping her CO as soon as- Wait, did we even _make_ it to the bedroom before-"

"First of all," Jack interrupted her before she could finish that thought. "I think we were both equally guilty of the jumping part and second, we woke up in the bed. _This_ bed."

"I know that." Sam rolled her eyes."But did we make it here before or after... things... happened?" Gee, that sounded _very_ grown-up, she thought to herself.

"Uh..." Jack frowned, thinking hard. "There was definitely... uh... some... action in the hallway." Well, apparently Jack wasn't much better at these conversations. "But I'm almost certain we had our- uh, _some_ of our clothes on at that point."

"We _did_ move it to bedroom, right?" she asked for confirmation to her hazy memories.

"Yeah, because my knee hurt like hell."

"I'm pretty sure you didn't say that."

"Hey! I'm pretty sure I had better things to do right then!"

Sam burst into giggles all of a sudden and Jack couldn't wipe the grin off his face either. That whole evening was absurd, really. Especially when they went through it like this, one hazy memory after another.

"God," Sam sighed after a while and wiped the tears of laughter from her eyes. "The finest officers of US Air Force, acting like horny teenagers."

"I wasn't like that even as a teenager!" Jack huffed.

"Yeah, well..." Sam mumbled. "I kinda was. But that's a story for another time."

"Oh, I'm definitely looking forward to hearing that one."

* * *

><p>The next morning Jack woke up with a start when he heard someone open the front door with a key. Right after that there were urgent steps in the hallway.<p>

"Jack!"

Yep, Daniel. Who else would be stupid enough to burst into his house without as much as a knock on the door.

"You've had enough of self-loathing!" the archaeologist called from the hallway, very close to his bedroom door.

Jack glanced at Sam who was snuggled against his shoulder. She had gotten rid of the sports bra some time during the night so Jack pulled the comforter a little higher and tighter around her to cover her up.

"You're gonna have breakfast with me and Teal'c-" Daniel called from the door, knocked once and pushed it open without waiting for a reply. "-and then we'll-" He froze when he realized Jack wasn't alone. "Who's that?"

"Oh, you know me, Danny-boy. I always pick up pretty blondes from bars and never bother to ask their names. Who the hell do you think it is?"

"Daniel?" Sam asked, still half asleep.

"Sam! You're back!"

"Smart kid," she mumbled and seemed to go back to sleep.

Jack chuckled. Carter the soldier was alert in half a second when she woke up but Sam... Sam tended to drift between sleep and awareness for at least ten minutes before she got the sudden burst of energy and decided she couldn't just stay in bed all day.

"How long has she been here?" Daniel asked.

Jack glanced at the alarm clock on the night stand. "Nine hours and twenty-one minutes."

"Not that you're counting."

"Nope." Jack shook his head.

Sam sighed and rolled on her back. She tried to rub the sleep off her eyes and then dropped her arms on top of the comforter with a sigh. "Daniel," she said firmly but with a gentle tone, like she was talking to a five-year-old who had done something wrong but didn't realize it yet. "Go away. We're not decent."

"Is that..." His eyes were glued on her left hand and the new, sparkly engagement ring.

"Yes, it is," Jack said with the same tone Sam had used. "Now could you _please_ get out of my bedroom so my _fiancée_ and I can get dressed?"

"Oh! So you're not... wearing anything?"

"Daniel!" Jack grunted.

"Right," he mumbled and pushed his eyeglasses higher on his nose. He was already walking out the door when he suddenly turned around. "Are you coming for breakfast with us or should we just leave?"

"Breakfast sounds great," Sam said.

"Good." He nodded and again turned to leave. "You didn't have any other plans? You know... I'm not... interrupting anything or..."

"Daniel!" This time it was both of them growling frustratedly at him. He woke them up, what the hell did he think he interrupted? Other than the obvious, of course: sleep.

"Right. I'll be in the living room. And congratulations."

They waited for good ten seconds after the door closed, just in case he came up with yet another question.

"So..." Jack started and turned to look at Sam. "Good morning."

"Good morning, fiancé." She flashed a wide smile.

"Clever trick, huh? Now you can't change your mind anymore."

"Why would I change my mind?" Sam rolled partly on top of him and leaned down to plant a gentle kiss on his lips.

"I thought maybe you'd come to your senses now that you've slept on it."

"I'm afraid I'm just as insane as I was last night. Maybe if I sleep on it a few more nights..." Her eyes were twinkling with laughter and there was a flirty grin on her lips.

"Oh?" Jack raised his eyebrows, now curious about what she was thinking. "How many nights are we talking about here?"

"What would you think about fifteen thousand?" Sam asked. "Then we can re-evaluate the situation to see if my answer has changed."

"That's what, forty years?" Jack asked without missing a beat.

Sam raised her eyebrows.

"Just a guess," he shrugged.

"Roughly, yes."

"Sounds good," Jack said and kissed her quickly. "Let's start with that," he said with a wicked grin and rolled out of the bed.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **That's it! A review would be awesome. We'll get back to the actual problem and dealing with it in the next few chapters, this one just wanted to be a little silly thing in between.


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters and settings are property of their lawful owners. This story is written for entertainment purposes only and no profit is made. No copyright infringement intended.

**A/N: **I know it's been forever and I'm sorry about that. I have now typed all the remaining chapters. I'm not happy with them yet and have no idea how long the fixing/rewriting will take, but I have the frame and events of each chapter planned and written. At the moment there are 12 chapters in total plus an epilogue. Some of the chapters are in danger to stretch too long so I might need to divide them in two. But you should get at least 4 chapters after this one.

I thank you for all the reviews, you guys are amazing and I don't deserve you. Please, let me know if you're still with me. :)

Also, this update wouldn't have happened without Laura so THANK YOU! Sometimes I just need a little push, someone to tell me I should trust my instincts because I have a bad habit of overthinking things.

And in case you've forgotten already (I wouldn't blame you) and don't want to read the last couple of chapters again: Sam came back, Jack proposed, they talked about their drunken night together and then in the morning Daniel burst into their bedroom and they all agreed to have breakfast together.

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER 9<strong>

"Your choice of clothing is most unusual, MajorCarter," Teal'c said in a way of greeting when Sam walked into the living room a ten minutes later, wearing jeans and a blue shirt she had borrowed from Jack's closet.

"I got back late," Sam shrugged. "Didn't have time to do laundry. It's just breakfast, right?" She straightened up the shirt and smiled at her friend. "Where's Daniel?"

"Here!" came a call from the kitchen.

"He could not wait until we get to the diner for his fix of caffeine," Teal'c explained.

"Seriously, Daniel?" Sam asked.

"Hey, I didn't know how long it would take for the two of you to get out of bed. You looked rather comfortable there."

"You know, Daniel... It kinda bothers me that you have _any_ information about how I look in bed with my fiancé. You really need to learn how to knock."

"For the record," Daniel said as he walked into the living room with a cup of coffee. "I _did_ knock."

"Well in that case you need to learn to wait for a reply before you burst in."

"Look..." he sighed. "I'm sorry. But I was worried about Jack. We haven't seen him in days."

"I know," Sam nodded and smiled a little. "And I'm sorry, too. It's good to see you, Daniel. I didn't really get a chance to tell you that earlier."

He smiled and nodded, a silent confirmation that he accepted her apology. "It's good to see you, too, Sam. We missed you."

Daniel blew into his coffee cup, obviously desperate to cool it down and Sam's first thought was that Jack probably hadn't left the house all week and didn't have any milk left in the fridge. They would have to get some groceries after breakfast.

"I am also pleased to have you back, MajorCarter." Teal'c's lips curled into the tiniest of smiles.

"It's good to _be_ back, Teal'c."

"You do not seem troubled anymore."

Sam nodded. "I'm feeling better."

"And all is well between you and O'Neill?"

"Yeah," she sighed, absentmindedly playing with the engagement ring. "We're good. But there are a lot of things we need to talk about."

"The date of the wedding, for example?" Teal'c asked and raised an eyebrow, glancing at the ring. Now there was no denying that that really was a smile on his lips.

Sam's smile widened into a grin when she nodded. "Yeah. For example."

"Congratulations," Teal'c said with a little bow.

"Thanks, T," Jack said as he walked into the room. "And I'm sure we can talk about the date once we get to the cabin."

"Cabin?" Sam raised her eyebrows.

"Yeah. I thought we could use a couple of days there." He shrugged. "You know... Fishing, talking, sleeping in without nosy archaeologists walking in on us..." He stepped next to Sam and looked into her eyes. No matter how nonchalant his tone was, Sam knew he was nervous.

"I'd like that," she replied with a smile and leaned to plant a chaste kiss on his lips.

"Really?" Jack raised his eyebrows, like he didn't really believe her. "You can say no, you know?"

"I know," Sam said with a nod and what she hoped to be a reassuring smile. It would take a while to learn she didn't need to follow his orders anymore. But somehow she thought it would take even longer for Jack to believe she really agreed with him from her own free will.

"Good." Jack turned to look at Teal'c and Daniel. "Shall we go?"

"I'll just..." Daniel pointed at his coffee cup before he raised it to his lips and started gulping down the liquid. Sam winced a little, hoping it had cooled down already or he wouldn't taste anything for a couple of days.

"Done!" Daniel exclaimed and slammed the coffee cup to the table like he had just won a drinking competition.

"Great!" Jack grinned at his enthusiasm. "Let's roll! Daniel's buying."

"Actually," Daniel called at the couple who were already heading to the door. "I really was planning to pay. To celebrate the engagement."

"I know, Daniel," Jack called over his shoulder. "You're always so thoughtful."

* * *

><p>"Are you well, MajorCarter?" Teal'c asked and Sam blinked, focusing her eyes on the fork that had frozen midair on its way to her mouth. She let it drop to the plate with a cling. The piece of pancake it had been carrying flew on the table, almost landing in her tea cup.<p>

"Sam?" Daniel asked, worried when she still didn't say anything.

"I'm sorry," Sam finally sighed and smiled apologetically.

"No, it's not that." Daniel frowned. "Just... What's wrong?"

"It just kinda..." Sam stopped and shrugged. "Struck me that it's been forever since we had breakfast together because..." She took a deep breath and stared intensely at her tea cup. "Because I wasn't able to hold anything down before lunchtime." She reached for the spoon and started stirring her tea, keeping her eyes tightly fixed on the cup, oblivious to the frowns and worried looks of her friends. "I guess I just miss morning sickness," she whispered, her voice barely audible.

Teal'c raised an eyebrow, Daniel managed to get an "oh" out of his mouth and Jack wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her to him. As he kissed Sam's temple, her tears started to fall all of a sudden. He knew the playful mood of the evening before and the morning wouldn't last forever but the quick change of mood was a surprise non the less.

"Uh, you wanna talk about it?" Daniel offered but Sam shook her head.

"Do you wish us to give you privacy, MajorCarter?" Teal'c asked.

"No, it's OK." She wiped her cheeks with the backs of her hands, quite a useless gesture considering the fact that she was still crying, and straightened up. Jack's hand remained around her shoulders, though. "Just ignore me," she said with a little attempt of a smile.

"I don't know," Daniel frowned. "I'm not sure if that should be ignored."

"It's OK," Sam reassured him. "I'm not falling apart. Just crying. It had to happen at some point."

"You mean you haven't processed that part yet?" Daniel asked.

"Not really, no." Sam wiped her eyes again, this time with a napkin, but the tears were still falling slowly. "I'm OK. We'll talk later?" She looked at Jack who nodded.

"MajorCarter," Teal'c said, sounding almost hesitant.

"Yes?" she asked.

"May I suggest something."

"Sure."

"Among the Jaffa, if an unborn child is lost, it is a tradition to perform a ceremony that resembles a funeral."

"How exactly does that work?" Jack asked. "I mean... You burn your dead, right? And there's nothing to burn now."

"In such case, we burn some memorabilia," Teal'c explained. "Some items that were prepared for the child or something that reminds us greatly of our loss."

"My blue tank top," Sam sighed, her voice still full of tears.

"Sorry?" Jack asked.

"I... I wore it when I did the pregnancy test _and_ when I miscarried. I haven't been able to look at it since then."

"Would it offer you any comfort if we performed the ceremony, MajorCarter?"

"It might. Jack?" She turned to look at him, eyes asking for is opinion as much as her words were.

"It's worth a try," Jack shrugged. "Once we come back from the cabin?"

"Yeah," Sam nodded.

"I will prepare the ceremony."

"I'll help you," Daniel offered.

"Thank you. So," Sam said and dried her eyes and cheeks with a napkin because now the tears had finally stopped falling. "What did you guys do while I was busy piecing my life together again?"

Sadness still lingered in her eyes but her friends chose to ignore it. If she wanted to talk about something else, they would talk about something else. For now.

"You know," Daniel pushed his glasses higher on his nose. "We don't even know where you went."

"I'll tell you later." Sam smiled and this time it reached her eyes, too. "You first."

"Well, not much to tell." Daniel shrugged. "I worked most of the time, to be honest."

"As did I," Teal'c said. "We did, however, have a movie night at O'Neill's house"

"Let me guess, the Star Wars, huh?" Sam asked and took a bite of her pancake that was starting to get cold already.

"And some action flick," Jack quickly continued, making it very clear he did _not _sit all evening on couch just because of Star Wars.

"And what did you do?" Sam turned her head a little so she could look at Jack's face.

He shrugged. "Nothing special."

"I heard he cleaned up the garage," Daniel said, trying to be helpful.

"You did?" Sam was surprised. She didn't really know what she had expected him to do, just that cleaning up definitely wasn't on the list.

"Well I did say I was keeping busy."

"Aaaand," Daniel started again, paused for a second when Jack glared at him but decided to continue anyway. "I heard he cleaned up the house after that."

"Well I thought the toilet seat looked a little shiny," Sam said with a teasing smile. Her fiancé, a homemaker. Who would have thought.

"Toothbrush," Jack said and took a sip of his coffee.

"Not mine, I hope." Sam downed the last of her tea, too.

"Nah, I used Daniel's this time."

The archaeologist rolled his eyes, obviously not amused by Jack's humor. Yet somehow Sam had a hunch in the next team night he would sneak into the bathroom and switch his toothbrush to a new one. Just in case. Because, let's be honest, you can never be sure with O'Neill.

"So..." Daniel lowered his coffee cup and looked at Sam. "What did _you_ do?"

"I walked a lot," she replied with a little smile. "Some swimming, too. Gallons of tea. And hours and hours of writing on the dock. Mainly in moonlight."

When her friends just stared at her, surprised and confused, Sam decided she should probably start from the beginning.

She told the how she drove and drove with no destination in mind, just a distant feeling that she'd know once she got there. She told about the seedy motel, how she tried to write her feelings down but he words didn't come out.

Then she told about the camping site, about Caroline and the peaceful atmosphere of the place. She told about the walks around the lake, the sunsets and sunrises, tried to list how many cups of tea she downed during the days. She told about the night on the dock when she finally got her thoughts on paper and she told how Caroline's words made her realize something.

She didn't get into details, those were for herself only and maybe for Jack. But she did tell them how every day there were less empty pages in her journal and less chaos in her head.

"I realized the rest of it we'd have to figure out together," she said and smiled a little at her fiancé. "So I came home."

"Wow," Daniel sighed. "That sounds like an amazing place."

"You found a good place to be alone with your thoughts, MajorCarter," Teal'c agreed.

"Yeah." Sam nodded. "I should probably send Caroline a card or something and thank her but I never remembered to ask her last name. Neither do I know the address but that's quite easy to find."

"We're Air Force, Carter," Jack snorted. "I think we can find one nice lady who runs a camping site."

"I know that tone, Jack. Preparing to call in a favor from the president?"

"If necessary," he shrugged.

Sam chuckled and snuggled against Jack's shoulder. "It's good to be home," she said softly and smiled at Daniel and Teal'c.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **I make no promises about the next update other than it'll come one day. Reviews are greatly appreciated, they help me remember people actually want me to finish this story. :) I apologize for the delay one more time, and I'd like to apologize for all the future delays as well. I feel horrible for keeping you amazing people waiting but writing is very difficult for me at the moment.


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters and settings are property of their lawful owners. This story is written for entertainment purposes only and no profit is made. No copyright infringement intended.

**A/N: **It's been too long since the last update and I'm very sorry about that.

Real life has been bit of a bitch plus I've just been a lazy and bad person. I've also been attacked by several plot bunnies lately so there might be something new in the works, don't know yet if it'll work out or not. I have a summer job now so I don't have as much time for writing as I used to.

Thank you for all the reviews! They always cheer me up and make my day.

There are 3 chapters after this one plus an epilogue. So unless nothing surprising happens (aka one chapter growing 1000 words overnight so that I have to split it in two) there are 4 more updates and then I can mark this one as complete.

From now on I should be able to keep up a chapter/week pace (at the very least) because the story is 94% finished, just a paragraph or two here and there and some finishing touches.

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><p><strong>CHAPTER 10<strong>

It was late afternoon when they arrived at the cabin the next day. They took a flight instead of driving all the way. They both knew the drive probably would have been full of awkward silences because both would have been lost in thought. Somehow they wanted to wait until they were at the cabin before they started to get to the bottom of it all. Oh, they had talked a little the previous day, after the breakfast meltdown. But just enough to make sure they would be OK until they made it to the cabin.

Sam lowered her bag to the floor and sat down at the end of the bed in the master bedroom. She let her eyes wander around the room, taking in the shades of wood, the simple blue curtains, the few photographs he had on top of the drawer... It was all so very Jack, cozy but uncomplicated. Well actually Jack wasn't uncomplicated at all but somehow she associated the word with him. None the less, it made her feel safe.

"So?" Jack asked as he walked in with his own bag.

"I love it," Sam sighed and lowered herself to lie down on top of the covers, her feet still on the floor. She stared at the wooden ceiling and wondered if Jack ever lay awake here and counted the knotholes.

"Good." Jack followed her example and lay down next to her. "Now what?" he asked as he turned his head to look at Sam.

"Don't know," Sam shrugged and smiled at him. "I could use a shower." The flight wasn't all that long but traveling always made her feel like she should freshen up afterward.

"We don't have hot water yet," Jack reminded her.

"Then I'm gonna take a cold shower." She wasn't going to linger anyway, she just wanted to flush the chaos of the airports and the crowded plane from her skin, that's all.

"I could unpack while you take a cold shower," Jack offered.

"And then you could be a gentleman and make me a cup of hot tea so I don't catch a cold."

"You sure you don't want coffee?"

"Not yet," Sam said with a sad smile and the playful look on Jack's face melted away, showing the pain in his eyes. She wondered how long it would take before things like tea and coffee would stop reminding her of what happened. And she wondered how long it would take before she would go back to caffeine and other things she wasn't allowed to do for the brief time she had been pregnant.

"Yeah, I understand," Jack sighed.

Sam closed her eyes and heaved a sigh. "Shower. Warm drinks. Then talking."

"I like that plan."

With another sigh Sam sat up, then leaned to plant a gentle kiss on Jack's lips before she got up and searched her bags for the towel and other things she would need.

"Could you unpack my things, too?" Sam called from the hallway as she made her way towards the cabin's only bathroom.

"Yes, dear!" Jack replied and could hear her chuckling before it was muffled by the door. The mood kept changing quickly but he was fine with that as long as it was natural and not pretending.

It didn't take long to unpack his things. Jack hadn't packed much because they didn't have any specific plans and most of the things he might need he already had at the cabin. He tossed his clothes in the drawer, saving left halves of each drawer for Sam's things. It was easier than moving stuff around to clear one for her. They could do that later if it bothered her.

He got started with Sam's suitcase, feeling a little awkward about handling her personal belongings but then again, it was her idea. He gently folded her clothes into the drawer, next to his own bunched up sweaters and sweatpants. He was just putting her books on the nightstand when he heard steps in the hallway.

"You know, I never thought you to be a _dear diary_ type of girl," he called and set the journal on the nightstand, on top of the novels she had brought with her.

Sam didn't answer and when Jack realized the footsteps had stopped, too, he got a little worried. She didn't really believe he'd read it while she showered, right?

"I'm not," Sam whispered from the doorway and flashed an apologizing smile at Jack. He frowned, wondering what she was sorry about.

She walked past Jack and sat down at the edge of the bed right next to the nightstand. She took the journal in her hand and traced the patterns on the cover with her fingertips.

"I think this little pile of paper saved me," she spoke softly and lifted her gaze to look at Jack.

"Ah, the stick figures?" He sat down next to her.

"And plenty of other stuff. Helped me sort out the chaos."

Jack nodded, not really knowing what to say.

"You can read it if you want," Sam offered him the book but Jack shook his head.

"It's yours," he said softly. "It has nothing to do with me."

"It has everything to do with you," Sam said and offered him half a smile. "It's chaotic but it gives you a pretty good idea about what went through my head those few days I was gone. I wrote it for myself but there's nothing in there I don't want you to know."

"It feels like invading your privacy."

"Look..." Sam sighed. "We need to talk about it and it's easier if you read that first."

"There's a quiz later?" he asked, bit of the spark back in his eyes.

"Something like that." Sam nodded with a little smile.

"Alright, sure. I can read."

* * *

><p>They were settled on the couch, side by side, with a cup of coffee for Jack and tea for Sam. Jack was reading the journal, well more like riffling through the pages, while Sam read some science magazine she had managed to smuggle to the cabin.<p>

"You actually considered leaving the Springs for good?" Jack whispered, obviously shocked about the possibility. He was staring at one of her later mindmaps which circled around the word _Future_.

"I considered pretty much every option I had."

"Yeah, I see you were very thorough." He sounded sarcastic and a bit hurt, too. "I've never seen this many lists of pros and cons."

"It's my _life, _Jack. I wanted to be sure I'm making the right choice."

"And did you?"

"Definitely," she said, her voice firm and certain, and smiled at him.

"I haven't seen marrying me on any of the lists."

"Not marrying, no." Sam shook her head. "I didn't really think about the part with the ring and the party. Just that I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

"Oh? What list is that on?"

"Each and every one of them. One way or another."

Jack flipped through few of the pages and realized his name really was on all of them. It was either a pro or a con, depending what the title was.

If the title was "Leaving Colorado Springs", his name was listed as a con and only now did he realize it probably meant _Leaving Jack behind._

"Oh," was all he managed to say. Sam flashed him a patronizing smile and got back to her magazine

* * *

><p>"What's wrong with my kitchen?" Jack asked all of a sudden. Sam looked at him and raised her eyebrows. He pointed at the row on the long list of cons about "Life with Jack". She had already forgotten that one. Maybe she shouldn't have let Jack read the journal, after all.<p>

She decided honest answer would be the best option and answered: "It's the wrong color and I don't like the handles on the cabinet doors."

Jack blinked once, twice. "You take off, all but break my heart, and you end up thinking about my _kitchen_ of all things?"

"That's not the only list and it's not the only thing on _that_ list."

"Oh, I noticed. Ten rows of pros and a whole page of cons?"

Sam mumbled something Jack didn't quite catch. "Excuse me?"

"Three pages," she mumbled, bit more clearly this time.

Jack blinked, then turned the page and noticed the cons filled the next two pages. But then again, she was mostly just listing small, annoying habits and he could sure find a page or two of those about Carter, too. So it wasn't that serious.

"Besides," he said as he turned back to the first page. "Most of the things you have on the pro side are also on the con side. _CO_. I can get why that's a bad thing but why is it a good thing?"

"Because I've trusted you with my life for the past six years and I know you'll always have my back, just like I'll have yours."

"True," Jack admitted with a little frown. "Guess I never thought of it that way." He had only concentrated on the strain it could have on their relationship.

"Well it's a good thing one of us did."

"Six years?" Jack pointed at the next row.

"That's a long time to come up with fantasies that might just clash with reality when the time comes."

"But?"

"If it was just a fantasy, it wouldn't have lasted that long."

Jack nodded and glanced through the rest of the pros. Most of them were just adjectives describing his character. He may not agree with her but the words didn't need explaining.

"Jack?" he read out loud the last word on the pros-list. The letters were bold and dark, like she had written them over and over again. "How is that a rational argument?"

"It's not," Sam said with a shy smile. "Some things can't be rationalized, shouldn't be rationalized."

"And I take it that's the word that made you forget all the 47 cons and come back to me, huh?"

"See the next list."

Jack frowned and skipped past the cons to the next title which was 'Life without Jack'. "Well this looks different," he commented the otherwise empty page. All the other pages in the journal had been full of writing and little drawings, this one only had the title and the line in the middle that separated the page to pros and cons.

"I realized it was never an option," Sam whispered.

* * *

><p>Jack flicked through the rest of the pros and cons lists and stopped at the very last page Sam wrote. It was the letter she wrote to the child who would never be born. Jack wrapped his arm around Sam's shoulders and pulled her close to him. She was startled at first but one glance at the book explained his reaction. Jack planted a kiss on the top of her head and Sam closed her eyes with a sigh. She didn't need to read that page again to know exactly what it said.<p>

_"When we mourn for death, we mourn for the things that will never happen, the words that will never be spoken, the smiles we'll never see, the jokes we'll never laugh at together._

_I don't even know if I have a right to mourn for you like a dead loved one. How do you mourn for the death of someone who was never alive?_

_But you were a wish, a possibility. You were all the things you might have become. _

_I'm mourning for the things we will never have._

_I'm mourning like I had known you forever yet you were nothing more than the beginning of a story that will never be told._

_Once upon a time there was the end._

_That's not how fairy tales are supposed to go. There should be good moments and bad moments, laughter and tears. There should be a journey to share, dragons to kill, half the kingdom and a prince or a princess. Most of all, there should be a happy ending._

_And there should be memories. All I have is a grainy ultrasound picture. _

_You didn't even look like a human yet, but you were our child and we loved you more than anything in this world. Or any of the others."_

"Couldn't have said it better myself," Jack whispered when he had read the whole thing and Sam nodded, not really trusting her voice.

"I went to see Charlie," Jack spoke softly after a while. "Few days ago."

"Oh, God," Sam sighed. "I should have been there with you."

"No," Jack whispered. "I'm sorry but... it was something I had to do alone."

Sam nodded. "What did you tell him?" she asked softly.

"Told him to look after the little one up there." His voice was barely a whisper.

"Yeah," Sam sighed. "That's what big brothers do, after all." It made her feel a little less sad, thinking the kid wasn't alone. Now that she thought about it, her mother was up there, too. If there even was an _up there_ somewhere. But right now she wanted to believe. Yeah, a big brother and a grandmother. The kid was gonna be just fine.

Jack was surprised about the raw relief which rolled through him at her absentminded words. Without hesitation Sam had labeled Charlie as a big brother, part of their family. She didn't have to do that. She had never even met the boy. He never even spoke about Charlie so all Sam knew about the kid she had heard from Daniel.

"Tell me about him," Sam whispered like she could read his mind. She didn't ask again even as the silence stretched over them. It was his choice. Either he'd change subject or answer.

"Come on," Jack finally said after long silence and got up. "Let's go to bed."

_So not tonight then,_ Sam thought as they made their way to the bedroom. It didn't matter, really. They would get there at some point.

They changed into pajamas in silence and cuddled under the covers. Jack was stroking Sam's hair absentmindedly and she closed her eyes, letting Jack's heartbeat lull her towards sleep.

"He was born little after midnight," Jack spoke softly and suddenly Sam was wide awake again. "He was pink and screaming and covered in goo. And I had never seen anything more beautiful in my life."

Sam's arm was around his waist and she tightened her hold momentarily to let him know she was listening and to encourage him to go on.

And he did. He told about all the big moments he missed, how he wasn't there for his first words or first steps. But he also told about the days when he _was _there, the little moments they shared, family trips and baseball games and helping with homework. He seemed almost reluctant to admit that one, though. Like he was scared that revealing the fact that he was smarter than a 7-year-old would make her think any less of him.

He told about the pranks of Charlie and his friends and how they drove the lady next door crazy. And he told how hard it was for him to punish the kid when all he wanted to do was give him credit for imagination and maybe a few new ideas, too. "I never liked that woman," he mumbled as an afterthought and Sam could imagine a tiny, sweet old lady who baked amazing cookies but couldn't keep her nose out of other people's business.

They laughed a lot that night as he shared the stories with her. They cried some, too, and when they finally fell asleep, they were both emotionally exhausted.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:**That's the end of chapter 10. More to come soon. :)


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters and settings are property of their lawful owners. This story is written for entertainment purposes only and no profit is made. No copyright infringement intended.

**A/N: **Thank you for the wonderful reviews! I can't believe you're still following this story after all this time! You have no idea how much your support means to me.

I'm always so scared I'll hurt someone's feelings, writing about a sad, serious subject I know nothing about. But your reviews make me think maybe I'm doing something right after all. So thank you. :)

This chapter is bit different in style, lots of dialogue. This is usually what my sketches look like. I write the dialogue first and then start to write the emotions around it but this time it refused to grow to the next level. It might be lacking in the dept a little but it has a sort of lightness in it that I thought this story could use at this point.

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><p><strong><strong>Chapter 11<strong>**

They slept late the next morning and didn't bother getting up even after they woke up. Neither of them had the energy for serious conversation and mostly they just held each other in silence, both needing the wordless reassurance.

Birds were singing outside and if Sam listened very carefully, she could hear the water hitting the dock in gentle waves. It was a beautiful place, very peaceful. In a way it reminded her of the camping site. Biggest exception was that the cabin already had a history, a history that she would be a part of from now on.

"Hungry?" Jack finally whispered, when the sun was high in the sky and the alarm clock on the nightstand indicated it was way into the afternoon already.

"A little," Sam admitted.

"Wanna go to the town? Eat out?"

"Are you asking me out on a date?" she asked, trying to understand the hesitant tone of his voice.

"What if I am?"

"Well either way, the answer is yes. As long as I don't need to dress up."

"I don't think any place in this town requires dressing up at two o'clock in the afternoon."

"Good," Sam mumbled and nuzzled his shoulder a little. "I like this town."

"Look..." Jack whispered after a moment when neither of them had moved from their positions. "I don't mean that I don't want to talk but can we just..."

"Take a day off from the bad things?" Sam finished the sentence for him.

"Yeah. But not if it feels like pretending, I don't ever want you to pretend you're OK just for my sake."

"Just because everything isn't alright doesn't mean I can't concentrate on the good things for a day," Sam said. "To be honest I don't have the energy for serious conversations right now."

"I'd hate to get into a fight because we're exhausted."

"Exactly." Sam kissed his shoulder before she rolled away from him. "So... Lunch date, fishing, maybe couple of beers on the dock..."

"I knew there was a reason why I love you."

She smiled at him. It wasn't one of her big grins but it was honest and it told him he had made the right choice. They would have a better conversation tomorrow, after some resting.

They showered, got dressed and drove the ten miles to the town. It was a small town, basically just one street that was lined with stores and restaurants. The lunch really felt like a date with all the flirty smiles and little touches. Jack shared fun stories about his childhood summers at the cabin and Sam told about some of her and her brother's adventures from when they were younger.

After lunch they strolled around the town, bought couple things they forgot the previous day, had a coffee, and a tea, in the tiny café that was almost hidden between two huge warehouses, sat a while in the park...

Everyone knew Jack and they all liked him which also meant they were very curious about Sam. She got to show off her engagement ring plenty of times. Whenever they were asked about the wedding, they simply answered _soon_. When the town priest offered to wed them the next day they kindly declined.

"Not that soon," Jack said quickly. "We've been thinking more like..." he left the sentence hanging, looking at Sam expectantly, waiting for her to finish it.

"November." To an outsider she probably sounded very confident but Jack heard the slight questioning intonation of the word.

"Yes, November," Jack agreed.

Couple more curious people later they had set the date at the last Saturday of November. They also made it very clear that they were having a small wedding in Colorado with just a couple of closest friends. However, the word soon spread that they would spend the honeymoon at the cabin.

* * *

><p>"Now that was fun," Sam sighed as she slumped on Jack's couch a few hours later.<p>

"Really? Or are you just being sarcastic?" Jack sat down next to her and offered a can of diet coke before he opened his own drink.

"No beer?" Sam asked, surprised to see he had a soda can, too.

"Nah, saving it for the fishing. You want some?"

"No, I'm good. And I really had fun."

"It doesn't bother you that strangers forced us to set a wedding date? We can change it if you want."

"No. We would have decided it at some point anyway. And now, if the weather is horrible, we can just blame the lady who runs the bookstore." She took a sip of her soda and then flashed a wide smile at Jack. "Does it bother _you_?" she finally asked.

"Nope. I don't really care when the wedding is as long as you're there."

"And as long as there's cake," Sam said with a teasing smile.

"Of course. It wouldn't be a wedding without cake."

Sam chuckled and closed her eyes, relaxing against the back of the couch.

"Wanna go fishing?" Jack asked when they had sipped their drinks in silence for a moment.

"Isn't it bit late for that?" It was half past seven already and the air outside was getting colder.

"It's never too late for fishing, Sam." The tone of his voice made Sam think he meant more than just catching the fish with that statement.

"Is that lake of yours any good for swimming?"

"Sure."

"Great," Sam placed the almost empty can on the coffee table and got up. "You can fish while I swim."

"Not exactly a safe combination, Carter. I'd hate to pull the hook from your thigh." Jack raised his eyebrows when Sam walked towards their bedroom. Coming from a genius, it was ridiculously stupid idea.

"Just take the hook off. It's not like you're gonna catch anything anyway," she called over her shoulder.

Jack was about to argue but then he realized there were more important things to consider than what she thought about the quantity fish in his lake. "Wait! Bikini or swimsuit!" he called after his fiancee.

"Bikini!" Sam answered from the bedroom.

"It's a deal!" Jack called and got up to remove the hook from his fishing rod.

* * *

><p>A lot later they were sitting on the couch, staring into the fire and trying to warm up. Sam was sitting sideways on Jack's lap, curled against his chest, still shaking slightly. Jack had goosebumps all over him but he tried his best to ignore them, wrapping the blanket tighter around them.<p>

Somewhere along the way Sam had managed to distract Jack enough to pull him into the lake, too. They had gotten a little carried away, swimming and splashing like kids. By the time they got out, they were freezing and looked like prunes.

Only now, after they'd used all the hot water for a long, shared shower and downed three cups of hot chocolate each, in front of the fire, they were slowly starting to feel warm again.

"I can feel you frowning, Sam," Jack whispered and planted a gently kiss on top of her head. "What are you thinking?"

"It can wait until tomorrow," Sam mumbled.

"No, it can't. It bothers you now so spill it."

Sam took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "Do you want children? I know you said we could have another go at this family thing but do you really want it? And I don't want you to say you want whatever I want. I need an honest opinion."

"Yes."

"I don't want you to say yes because you wanted this child, the one we lost. I mean in general. Now that we can actually make a conscious decision about it instead of adapting to something that happened by accident, do you want children?"

"Yes."

"Jack," Sam sighed. "Be serious."

"I am!"

"Really? You wanted kids before we found out I was pregnant?"

"That's not what I said," Jack spoke softly.

"Then by all means, elaborate."

"Look..." Jack sighed. "After Charlie... I never really thought I would get kids again. Being father again wasn't very high on my priority list. But... I don't know. I guess... I guess I thought if you and I ever get together... Well, there might have been a few fantasies about having a family with you. But I never really believed I'd get to live those. But then you told me you're pregnant and I don't know... I guess it kinda... made sense all of a sudden." He shrugged a little and Sam.

"So you want kids but only with me?" Sam concluded.

"Yeah, that pretty much sums up my rambling," he mumbled.

Sam chuckled and snuggled a little closer.

"Sam?" Jack whispered when the silence stretched.

"Yeah?"

"How about you?"

"I never thought I'd want kids," she said, her tone heavy like she was confessing a crime. "I thought... I thought I would lose too much, I thought it wouldn't be worth it. But now... Now I can't imagine _not_ wanting a family with you."

"But if it doesn't happen..."

"Then it doesn't happen," Sam said firmly. "Then we'll be happy, just the two of us. I'm not going to get obsessed about becoming a mother. And I don't think I can go through this many more times."

Jack nodded and they slipped into silence, both lost in their own thoughts.

"Beer is bit like coffee to me," Jack said softly after a while.

"Excuse me?" Sam asked, not really understanding what he could mean by that.

"You know? You and coffee? The night you left... I decided I wouldn't drink until you come back home. I wanted to be sharp in case you call or come back. And now... I feels weird to open a beer."

"Like it means stepping back to normal life and you're not quite ready for it?"

"Yeah," Jack sighed. It was a different thing because Sam gave up coffee for something happy and he gave up beer for something sad but none the less, getting back meant ending something he wasn't ready to end.

Somehow the discussion spiraled out of control from there and they just kept talking about everything. They both found themselves telling things they had never said out loud before.

They talked about the past but more than that they talked about the future, especially family. It was equally, if not more, emotionally draining than the previous night's talk and it had to be early morning already when they finally crawled into the bed.

* * *

><p>"We're too old for this," were the first words Sam grunted the next morning, hiding her head under a pillow to block out the sunlight. She was usually up around the same time with the sun. Now they had gone to bed around that time. She didn't even want to know what time it was now.<p>

"For what?" Jack asked, sounding way too awake for Sam's liking. His voice was coming from behind her and high enough that Sam suspected he was either sitting up on his side of the bed or standing next to it.

"Talking all night."

"But you have to admit it's easier," Jack said and Sam felt the mattress dip when he sat down. How did he get up so early? Did he sleep at all?

"Yeah, lowered defenses and all that," Sam agreed but didn't come out from under the pillow.

"Besides, it's better than getting drunk for the serious conversations," Jack kindly pointed out and tried to steal her pillow but she didn't let go.

"I know," Sam sighed.

"Come on." He leaned to kiss Sam's shoulder. "Time to get up."

She hummed softly at the contact. "Can't we just stay here?"

"Whole day in bed, huh?"

Sam could hear the smile in his voice and she was smiling under her pillow, too.

"I'm sure we can find something to entertain ourselves." She intentionally loaded her voice with flirt. "You could start by doing that again."

"You mean this?" he kissed her shoulder again.

"Uh-huh," Sam agreed and finally pulled her head from under the pillow. She turned around to look into Jack's eyes.

"What?" Jack asked when she didn't speak, only stared, with a weird little smile on her lips.

"Do you feel real yet?" she asked softly, hoping he still remembered the conversation they had in bed the night she came back.

Sam watched how is expression went from surprised to thoughtful to slightly optimistic.

"Yeah. Quite real," he replied with a little nod.

"You sure?" Sam asked and moved a little closer, her smile now definitely bordering flirty.

"Positive."

"I hope you mean it," she mumbled and leaned in to kiss him. It was a gentle kiss but this time it seemed to carry a promise of something more. "Because I'd hate to stop once we start," she spoke against his lips before she captured them with hers again. The second kiss was a little more heated but still more sweet than demanding, obviously leaving the decision to Jack.

"I'm sure that won't be a problem," he replied and gently pushed Sam onto her back, hovering over her with a grin on his face before he leaned to kiss her neck.

Sam let out a happy little sigh and turned her head to the side, giving him better access. She could see out the window now. The sun was shining and the trees were swaying in the wind. Birds were singing and when she finally managed to hear something over the beating of her own heart, it was water just outside the window, hitting the rocks. It sounded like the wind was picking up. She closed her eyes and cupped the back Jack's head with her right hand, gently playing with the short hairs in the nape of his neck.

_Yeah, definitely real._

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** The next chapter is the "funeral" ceremony so that's a little sad again. That's why I felt this chapter was needed. :) Let me know what you think!_  
><em>


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters and settings are property of their lawful owners. This story is written for entertainment purposes only and no profit is made. No copyright infringement intended.

**A/N: **Thank you all for the reviews! You make me feel special and important, especially when you share your own experiences with me. That means a lot to me.

This chapter is a little shorter than the last few but still a decent length. Originally this was a tiny chapter with just the ceremony (mentioned in chapter 9) but then the first part jumped into my head and refused to leave. Possible tissue warning in the second half of this chapter. I don't usually cry when I write these so I'm not sure.

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><p><strong>CHAPTER 12<strong>

In the end they stayed at the cabin for a week. A week filled with fishing, sunshine, serious conversations, minor breakdowns, lunches in the town, swimming and making love. All in all it had been an emotional roller coaster between the good and the bad moments.

But even the bad moments had a hint of hope in them, a sense that it would get better eventually. Their conversations were painful, raw and honest, but it was worth it. They weren't in this relationship just for the fun parts and they would make it work, no matter what.

Now they were in the airplane on their way back. Sam reached to open her seatbelt and caught a glimpse of her engagement ring. It had turned around in her finger so that the diamonds were on the side of her palm now.

Instead of turning the ring around, she placed her hand on her thigh, palm up, and ran her thumb over the diamonds. It was such a simple ring but she loved it. It was personal, something others could never understand. Even if Jack hadn't realized it when he bought the ring, it would always remind her of the constellation millions of light years from here.

_It was always there,_ Jack had said and she knew that now. The ring reminded her that some things don't just fade, that sometimes the best conversations are had without words and most of all, that it's worth it in the end.

She kind of liked the thought of wearing the ring like this, the plain side to the world, just enough for them to know she belongs with him now, and hiding the diamonds in her palm, just for herself.

"Having second thoughts?" Jack leaned in to whisper in her ear.

"The opposite," she said softly and leaned towards him a little, their shoulders brushing. Neither of them was very comfortable with public displays of affection but she felt like she could use a little physical contact.

"Hiding the pathetically small diamonds from the world then?" he asked and nodded towards the ring.

"More like saving them for myself," she explained and ran her thumb over the pattern again. "Like a good secret." Something that's so special to you that you don't want to share it with anyone because that would take away part of the magic.

"Or the last piece of cake," Jack agreed with a firm nod like he know exactly what she was talking about. Maybe he did.

"Yes. Just like the last piece of cake." She flashed him a patronizing smile and Jack shrugged, a boyish grin on his face.

Sam had just turned to look straight ahead again when he bumped her shoulder with his own. When she turned to look at him, eyebrows raised in a silent question, he just smiled and covered her hand with his own. He ran his thumb over the diamonds and Sam curled her fingers to trap his hand inside hers. It wasn't just her secret, it was theirs. She liked that thought.

Sam heaved a sigh and leaned her head on Jack's shoulder. Few more hours and they would be back in Colorado Springs, back in their everyday lives.

At the cabin the time stood still, nothing mattered outside those walls. Sam knew one of the hardest things about grieving is the moment when you realize the rest of the world keeps going like nothing out of the ordinary has happened and you're just standing there, wondering how the others can worry about all the insignificant things they worry about.

It felt like she was moving in slow motion, unable to catch the rest of the world, unable to relate to their worries. Almost like she was stuck on the other side of a time dilation field. She wondered if she would just snap out of it one moment or if that was something that happens gradually.

"We'll be alright," Jack whispered in her hair and Sam smiled. She loved the way he seemed to read her thoughts. Probably he just sensed her mood more than the actual cause of it but none the less it made her feel safe somehow.

* * *

><p>A few days after Sam and Jack came back from the cabin, SG-1 was gathered in Jack's backyard for the "funeral".<p>

Jack and Teal'c had dug a hole in the ground to keep the fire from spreading and Daniel helped Teal'c build a miniature version of a pyre.

They gathered around it, dressed in black and white for sorrow and new beginning. The colors weren't as important to the Jaffa but Daniel had helped to adapt some of Earth traditions to the ceremony.

Sam placed the blue tank top on top of the pyre, along with the positive pregnancy test she had saved. Those two were the objects that reminded her of their loss the most.

Jack pulled a kid size baseball cap from his back pocket and placed it next to Sam's tank top. She looked at him, silently asking the story behind the hat, but he only shrugged and Sam decided it could wait for another time. The cap looked new so chances were he had bought it as soon as he heard she was pregnant.

He probably bought it at the same time with the engagement ring. For some reason the thought made her smile. She could imagine him having a check list about what to do once he found out she was pregnant. _Marry Carter. Teach the kid to play baseball. _She wondered what else had been on that list. Maybe she'd find out one day.

They nodded at Teal'c to indicate they were ready. The Jaffa stepped closer and gave them the torch, then returned to stand in his own place, a few feet from Daniel so that there was space for the couple in the middle.

Sam and Jack both had one hand around the torch handle when they stepped closer to the pyre. They lit it together, tossed the torch on top and stepped back to stand beside their friends. Sam and Jack were in the middle, Teal'c on their right side, next to Jack, and Daniel on the left.

Teal'c had explained that normally the parents of the lost child were the ones to speak during the ceremony but if they were unable to do so, a family member or a friend was allowed to take their part. It was considered a great honor to be trusted with the responsibility.

Teal'c's voice was soft but as powerful as always when he spoke in Goa'uld.

"We wish this to be the beginning, not the end," Daniel translated, speaking softly as well.

They stood silent for a long time, watching the fire eat its way through the fabric and plastic and finally the wood, each of them lost in their own thoughts. Tears were rolling down Sam's cheeks and Jack's arm was wrapped tightly around her waist, pulling her against his side.

Sam wasn't sure what the feeling inside her was but somehow she knew this was an important step towards something better. The loss felt more final than ever before, something she couldn't escape anymore. It was real, it happened and it hurt but she could feel something shifting inside her, the pain slowly turning into sorrow.

They would both be getting back to work the next day and for the first time Sam felt like that might be a good thing, like she was ready to step out of her bubble and be a part of the world again.

They stood there, each lost in their thoughts, for a long time. Only when the pyre had burned down to glowing embers, did Teal'c speak again.

"As the embers grow cold and the smoke fades," Daniel translated before the Jaffa continued. "May our pain be lessened as well."

Then Teal'c spoke the last line of the ceremony and bowed at the pyre.

"With a wish of meeting again, we say our goodbyes," Daniel translated and the other three bowed as well.

They stood silent for a while again, watching as embers slowly turned from red to black.

"That was a lot of words for a Jaffa," Jack finally said, breaking the silence.

"Even the Jaffa acknowledge that sometimes words are needed for comfort."

"You're right about that," Jack sighed and clapped him on the shoulder brotherly. "Thanks."

Sam let go of Jack to wrap her arms around Teal'c. "Thank you," she whispered against his chest, her tears wetting his white shirt. There was so much more she wanted to say but her voice was failing her.

_Thank you for giving us closure._

_Thank you for giving us the permission to mourn._

_Thank you for reminding we're not alone with the pain but it's your pain, too._

Somehow, though, she knew Teal'c heard all those things in her whispered two words.

"Come on," Sam whispered as she let go of her friend and stepped back. She didn't even try to wipe away the tears. "Let's go inside. There's cake."

Teal'c raised an eyebrow.

"I know it's different on Chulak," Jack said. "But on this we follow the Earth tradition."

When Jack opened a can of beer with the cake, Daniel almost commented on his drinking but then he saw how Sam smiled at him when she clinked her coffee cup to his beer can. It was a sad smile but there was something else, too, something that seemed almost like relief. The archaeologist acknowledged that he was probably missing some important significance of the gesture and decided to stay silent.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Please, let me know.**  
><strong>


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters and settings are property of their lawful owners. This story is written for entertainment purposes only and no profit is made. No copyright infringement intended.

**A/N: **Thank you for the reviews! I can't believe this story has over 100 of them already! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

The reason for this chapter is that I wasn't comfortable with writing a wedding. I simply don't know enough about US wedding traditions and couldn't come up with a plot that wasn't icky sweet. So you get an engagement party instead.

This is the last official chapter to this story but the epilogue is actually in charge of wrapping it all together so don't worry.

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><p><strong>CHAPTER 13<strong>

"Cassie!" Sam called from the kitchen when the doorbell rang. "Could you get that?"

She was making more punch. It was officially Jack's job but she didn't trust him with it anymore at this point of the evening. The guests had commented that the last bowl seemed to have 50% water, 50% vodka. It had sure tasted like that, Sam admitted, but it had a splash of something colorful, too. Now, however, she was sticking to the recipe they started with.

"SAM!" the girl called from the hallway.

"Who is it?"

"You should come here."

Sam wiped her hands to her dress and made her way to the front door. "Dad!" she yelped when she saw the man standing at the doorway and went to hug him. "I didn't know you were coming."

"It was bit of a surprise visit. I told the airman to drive me at your place and I ended up here. What's the celebration? I didn't forget your birthday again, did I?"

"No, it's... not a birthday party. Come on, we have some serious catching up to do."

It had been six months since they last saw each other and Sam had no idea where she'd start the explanation about what had happened in that time.

"Dad!" Jack called from the living room when he got a glimpse of them. "Glad you could make it!"

"Yes," he nodded. "Even though I don't know _what_ exactly I got into."

"Oh. So no-one told you about-"

"Everyone who knows is here," Sam quickly interrupted him. She raised her eyebrows at him, wishing he got the hint.

"Right. You go fill him in. I'll get more beer for the crowd."

"Oh, I was mixing the punch, just pour the vodka in there, would you? _One _bottle."

"Sure, Sam. The guest room should be empty. No, wait. I think Daniel and that nurse might be there because they retreated somewhere private to continue the conversation. You might wanna take the master bedroom."

"Alright," she nodded and turned around to lead the way.

"Now that was disturbingly cozy exchange of words," Jacob commented.

"Ah... It will make sense soon. I promise, Dad." Sam could feel his eyes on her, curious and a little worried, too, but luckily he seemed to be willing to wait until they were somewhere private.

They stepped into the master bedroom and Sam closed the door. This room wouldn't have been her first choice for this conversation because it wasn't just Jack's bedroom anymore, it was _theirs_ and she was sure her father could see that the moment he walked in.

"Jack's dating a physicist?" he asked as soon as he saw the pile of books on the bedside table. It was obvious from his tone that he already suspected but he was giving Sam a chance to explain and prove him wrong before he jumped to conclusions.

Sam heaved a sigh and locked the door behind them, hoping it would buy her enough time to explain before Jacob would burst out of here and get Jack a black eye. What was it with fathers attacking their daughters' boyfriends? Was it coded in their DNA or was it taught at school or something?

"Actually... It's an astrophysicist." She smiled nervously at him and couldn't help feeling like she was telling about her first boyfriend. Except she never had to tell Jacob about that one, he found out on his own and it hadn't been pretty. Anyway. "Who also happens to be a major in the Air Force." For some reason she felt the need to stress that fact, to tell him she didn't give up on air force for Jack. "And it's bit more than dating." She raised her left hand to show the ring.

"This is an engagement party," he realized and his face went blank. Sam was sure he was having a silent conversation with Selmak.

"Yep," Sam sighed, a nervous smile grazing her lips. She still couldn't read his expression and it was starting to bother her.

Finally Jacob heaved a sigh and closed his eyes for a second before he flashed a little smile at Sam. "How about I start with the congratulations, then go punch that punk and they you'll explain why I shouldn't have done it, huh?"

Sam chuckled. "Thank you, Selmak," she said, knowing without her her father would have jumped straight to the part where he attacks Jack, if not physically then at least verbally. He wouldn't really ruin her party with starting a fight, Sam knew that, but she could see he was tempted at least give the guy a good old third degree about his intentions.

Jacob's head dipped for a moment and then the Tok'ra answered "You are most welcome, Samantha. Congratulations on your engagement."

"Thank you."

Then Jacob was back and he was looking at Sam curiously. "Are you happy?" he finally asked.

She nodded. "Happier than ever before." It was true, despite everything.

"Alright," he nodded, too. "In that case I'm happy for you. Maybe we can skip the punching part for now and go for the explanation."

They sat side by side at the end of the bed. "So?" Jacob finally asked. "What happened?"

"There's been... something... between us for years," Sam started, hoping her Dad wouldn't take it the wrong way. She was staring at the floor in front of her, not quite ready to face him yet.

"I know," Jacob said softly. "It was hard to miss. But I also know you never acted on those feelings."

It felt good to hear that, Sam realized. For some reason it was important to her that her father knew and trusted in her.

"What changed?" Jacob asked. The tone of his voice already suggested he was fearing for something bad. Sam could only imagine what kind of worst case scenarios he was going through in his head right now.

"Uh, we... had a... an alcohol enhanced encounter." Yeah, that was a nice way to put it. Sam was pretty proud of herself.

"You got drunk and slept with your CO?" Jacob raised his eyebrows.

Sam winced. That was _not_ a nice way to put it but true none the less. "Yes." No reason to deny it.

"And what? You quit your job and got engaged and decided to live happily ever after? Come on, Sammie. You know better than that."

Sam swallowed when she heard the disappointment in his voice. That was the exact thing she had been worried about all her life. It hurt like hell but Sam reminded herself he didn't know the full story yet.

She shook her head. "No. We didn't plan to do anything about it at that point. We were going to forget it and move on, keep going like before."

"Did someone find out?"

Sam took a deep breath. Here comes the punchline... "I got pregnant."

"You're pregnant?"

Though Sam was still staring at the floor, she was sure he was raising his eyebrows now, that familiar surprised look on his face.

"Not anymore," she shook her head. "We lost it. Six weeks ago."

"Sam..." his voice was pained and he pulled her into a hug.

"When we found out I was pregnant, we had to tell the General and break up the team," Sam explained, now talking into his shoulder.

"No charges?"

"No. Saving the world a couple of times obviously has its advantages."

He chuckled but didn't ease his grip of her.

"We're alright now," she reassured him. "Well not entirely of course but... We will be."

"I know."

* * *

><p>"Congratulations," Jacob said with a wide smile and shook Jack's hand while he slapped him in the back with his left hand.<p>

"Thanks, Jacob."

"Oh, _now_ you call me Jacob, huh?" The man grinned.

"Well, thank you _Dad_," Jack corrected. There was something about Jacob's cheerful attitude, though, that made him think there was something else coming.

"What?" Jacob finally asked when he noticed Jack's curious, guarded gaze.

"Just... waiting for the part where you beat the hell out of me for being a crappy CO and ruining your daughter's career."

"Sam is old enough to make her own choices," Jacob said and his grin changed into a smile that looked a lot more natural. "I know you would never take advantage of her so if I yell at you, I have to yell at Sam, too. Besides, she says she's happy."

"Ah... Well, we both are." Jack liked his logic. Jacob was a reasonable guy, he should know that by now.

"You keep it that way and no physical harm will be made," Jacob promised.

Jack nodded. "Sounds like a fair deal to me. Did she tell you the whole story?"

"Yeah, she did." The smile suddenly changed into a pained expression. "I'm sorry."

"So am I."

"We lost one, too," Jacob lowered his voice. "Between Sam and Mark."

Jack nodded, not knowing what to say.

"So I... know what it's like." Jacob shrugged.

"No offense, Dad, but I'd rather not talk about it."

"Yes, of course."

"I _do_ talk with _Sam_, I just..."

"I know," Jacob interrupted. "She's a smart kid. I know she wouldn't marry you if you two weren't talking about it. But it's between you two. I just wanted to let you know you're not the only one."

"And I thank you for that," Jack said sincerely.

"You should probably go check on Sam. I told her, too, and I think she misses her mother more than she has for a long time."

"Thanks, Dad." He gave the man's shoulder a brotherly squeeze. "There's punch, beer, soda and juice in the kitchen and snacks and cake in the living room. Help yourself, we'll be right back."

"I'm sorry I ruined the party mood."

"You didn't. Now she's only missing one parent. An hour ago it was two."

* * *

><p>"Sam?" Jack called softly as he knocked on the bedroom door.<p>

"Yeah?" she answered and he took that as an invitation and stepped inside. He locked the door after himself and made his way to the bed where Sam was sitting, her back against the headboard, eyes closed.

"You OK?" he asked as he crawled through the bed to sit next to her. It was a stupid question but he had to start with something.

"She should be here," Sam whispered. "These are the moments in a girl's life when the mother should be there."

"I know," he spoke softly and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. It didn't matter if she meant the engagement or the miscarriage or just feeling down in general, she was right none the less. Her head came to rest on his shoulder like so many times before.

"I asked how they got over it," Sam whispered.

"What did he say?" Jack's lips brushed against the top of her head.

"_Together._"

"Yeah... Sounds like a good plan to me."

* * *

><p>Fifteen minutes later they left the bedroom, ready to join their friends again.<p>

"I was going to say 'let's get this party started' but I think you already did." Jack glared at Daniel who looked suspiciously like he had passed out in the armchair.

"I thought you two were talking?" he asked the nurse who had sneaked away with the archaeologist earlier.

"Oh, we were. Until he switched to ancient Egypt. I lost him at that point."

"Good for you. I usually lose him at Russian or at the Spanish at the latest."

"Ah, yes, his Spanish does have an interesting accent."

Jack grinned and made his way to the sleeping man.

"Oh, Danny-boy," he singsong in his ear but got no reaction. "It's your watch. Wakey-wakey!" Still no reaction. "Teal'c is playing with your rocks." Nope, still nothing. "Carter wants to break that pretty vase you have on your desk. Something about analyzing it properly."

"Can I try now?" Sam asked softly, and smiled when Jack turned to look at him, wondering when she walked there.

"Sure, go ahead."

Sam pulled a cup of coffee from behind her back and waved it under Daniel's nose. It took only two seconds for him to open his eyes.

"Morning, Daniel," she said with a smile. "What language are we at now?"

"¿Que?"

"Just Spanish?" Jack asked, raising his eyebrows. "I'm bit disappointed. Thought you'd sobered up to Russian already."

"What are you talking about?" the archaeologist mumbled.

"Come on," Jack offered his hand to pull the man into normal sitting position from the awkward slumped heap he was. "I guess it's time you make some great speech and then everyone can take their turns dancing with Carter before we kick you all out."

"We already had toasts," Daniel mumbled and sipped the strong, hot coffee Sam had brought him.

"Well we have one more guest so let's do them again," Jack said.

"You can toast with coffee," Sam offered.

"Everything OK, Sam?" Daniel asked when he finally lifted his eyes to look at her face. No matter how she tried to hide it, he saw she had been crying.

"Just had an emotional conversation with Dad. I'll be fine," she reassured him with a little smile and squeezed his shoulder.

"Jacob's here?"

"Yep," Jack answered. "I think he's outside."

* * *

><p>"Like you might notice," Daniel started and then leaned a little more against the back of the couch to stay standing. "I'm not exactly in condition to speak now so let's all blame Jack if I say something inappropriate. Please throw something at me if I switch language somewhere along the way."<p>

The crowd chuckled and nodded, agreeing to his terms. His articulation was surprisingly good considering how much he was struggling with standing and focusing his gaze.

"Alright, where was I? Right! Congratulations!" He pointed towards the couple with his coffee cup and if it had been any fuller, the liquid would have escaped to the floor. "We've worked together for years and I think I wasn't the only one who mumbled a _It's about time_ when they heard the news."

The crowd laughed and Daniel frowned, obviously going through the last couple of sentences in his head to determine whether that laughter was good or bad. "You two are good together." He smiled at them and Sam felt tears gathering in her eyes for the simple, raw honesty in his voice. "After all you've been through, with our team and on your own, I'm sure you'll make it through anything now."

Sam and Jack looked at each other and smiled. Jack mouthed a _Damn right_ and Sam tried her best not to giggle.

"So," Daniel said and raised his cup. "To new beginnings," he said and the crowd echoed his words, raising their own glasses.

_To new beginnings._

* * *

><p><strong>AN**: That's it!_  
><em>

P.S. I'm afraid you'll have to wait 2 weeks for the epilogue because I'm super busy next week and out of the country next weekend.


	14. Epilogue

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable characters and settings are property of their lawful owners. This story is written for entertainment purposes only and no profit is made. No copyright infringement intended.

**A/N: **Thank you all for the reviews I've had during this journey!**  
><strong>

This is the very last chapter of this story. Like someone guessed a long time ago, we return back to the camping site, a few years later. It felt kinda fitting to make a full circle.

So here you go, let's meet Caroline and the campsite again.

(Longer rambling at the end of the story, I thought you'd like to get started as soon as possible with the chapter)

* * *

><p><strong>EPILOGUE<strong>

"I'm sorry but we're closed this year," the old woman called as soon as the car door opened.

"Ah, too bad," Sam sighed as she got up from the car. "I really liked it here."

"Samantha?" Caroline asked, surprised.

"My friends call me Sam," she said with wide smile.

"Yes, of course, Sam." Caroline nodded and walked closer, a lot slower than the last time Sam saw her. "Oh, I've been thinking of you, dear," the woman sighed as she hugged Sam. "I always wondered what happened to you after I got the card. I see you brought your special someone with you this time."

"Same man," Sam confirmed with a grin.

"Oh, no reason to change when you find the best one." Caroline winked at Sam.

"I heard rumors about cookies," Jack said with a boyish grin as he straightened up, holding a sleepy little girl in his arms. "Jack O'Neill," he introduced himself with a firm handshake, balancing the girl against his shoulder with the other hand. "And this is our daughter, Catherine. We call her Katie most of the time. Along with a dozen other nicknames."

Her hair was blonde and pointing at all directions after a nap in the car. Her eyes were such a dark shade of blue that they looked more like his father's than her mother's. She was blinking sleepily and looking at the strange woman curiously.

"Well aren't you a beautiful little princess," Caroline sighed. "How old are you?"

"She's eighteen months," Jack answered for the little girl. "Doesn't talk much. But I'm afraid she's already smarter than me. She just can't tease me about it yet." Jack poked the girl's nose with his forefinger and she crinkled her sleepy face, obviously not amused about her father's sense of humor.

Caroline chuckled. "And when is the baby brother or sister due?" she asked Sam.

Instead of answering, Sam glared at her husband.

"I swear, you are _not_ showing yet!" he yelped. "I wouldn't lie to you about this."

The old lady chuckled again at his panic. "He's right, dear. It was just a hunch. I have five of my own, you know. Good to know I haven't lost my touch."

"Yes, well," Sam sighed. "You're right. Twelve weeks and a day. We haven't told anyone yet."

"Except Katie," Jack corrected.

"Yes, except her."

The girl didn't seem to grasp the concept of being a big sister yet they were sure she'd grow into the role. She had also been very confused about the thought of a baby growing inside her mommy, especially when the baby refused to reply to her repeated "Hello?" -yells.

Sam was sure Jack had taken a video of the scene when Sam tried to explain the baby couldn't hear yet and Katie kept yelling at her tummy. She hoped he wouldn't show the video to anyone. Knowing Jack, he would probably use it to embarrass Katie in front of her first boyfriend in about fifteen years.

She chuckled and leaned in to kiss her daughter's forehead. Jack raised his eyebrows, silently asking what was so funny but Sam just shook her head.

Caroline nodded. "Come on in, I'll get you some coffee and tea. And I _do_ have some cookies for you, young man," she told Jack with a very motherly smile and turned to lead the way to her house. "If Marty hasn't eaten them all," she mumbled as she went.

_Young man_, Jack mouthed to Sam as soon as Caroline turned her back. He sure looked like a five-year-old when he grinned like that, Sam thought, and only smiled back at him. Jack frowned when he realized it was the same smile he got from the nice lady. Did all women magically learn that smile when they gave birth for the first time or was it in the genes?

"Marty!" Caroline called from the door. "We have visitors!"

Soon the husband made his way to the hallway. He was skinny. Not in the natural way but like he had lost a lot a of weight too fast. He was very pale, his eyes circled with dark rings, and it made him look a lot older than Caroline. He looked sick, like he should be laying down, but his eyes were twinkling with the same humor and energy they saw in his wife.

"Cancer," he said in a way of greeting, noticing their curious gazes, and flashed them half a smile.

"I'd say I'm sorry," Jack started. "But I have a hunch you've heard that one too many times."

"I have," the old man nodded. "But I'm on the mend already. The last treatment was a rough ride but they got it all out." He offered his hand. "Marty."

"Jack." He managed to balance Katie with one arm again while he shook the man's hand. "And this is Katie." The girl was still half asleep and Sam reached to sweep her hair behind her ear so she could look at Marty.

"Nice to meet you both," he said with a smile and then turned to Sam. "And let me guess, you're the Sam I've heard stories about."

"I guess I am," she nodded.

"Nice to finally meet you," he said softly and gave her a gentle hug. "I see everything worked out in the end."

"Yeah, it did." Sam turned to flash Jack a loving smile. "We had bit of a rough beginning but we've made it this far."

"Am I right if I assume the little princess here is going to be a big sister later this year?"

Sam snorted. "Let me guess, five of your own?"

"Six," he said, lips curling to a little smile which looked a little guilty. Sam raised her eyebrows, wondering if she understood correctly.

"I told you we had our moments," Caroline said in a way of explaining and reached for Marty's hand to give it a squeeze. "But some things are worth fighting for."

"You had your fiftieth anniversary last year, right?" Sam remembered.

"We had our... dating anniversary last year. The fiftieth wedding anniversary is this fall," Caroline explained and from the look she shared with Marty, Sam could tell there had been a time not so long ago when they weren't sure if he'd make it until the date.

Then, like she suddenly realized they had audience, Caroline broke the eye contact. She patted Marty on the arm before she turned around and headed to the kitchen. "You didn't eat all the cookies, did you?" she called over her shoulder. Her tone was firm, almost like she was giving an order, but there was no mistaking about the loving look in her eyes.

"Oh, I'm pretty sure I left one or two," Marty answered and winked at Sam and Jack. "I don't have much of an appetite nowadays," he spoke softly. "I'm pretty sure those cookies have saved my life a time or two."

* * *

><p>"Mama?" Katie said softly and kept pulling her mother's sleeve.<p>

"Would you like something, sweetie?" They were sitting at the kitchen table, sipping their coffees and teas and munching the delicious cookies.

The girl made a sign with her right hand.

"Milk?" Sam asked and the toddler nodded enthusiastically, then made another sign, rubbing her chest in a circular motion. "And you remembered the please. Well done, Katie."

"Could she have a cup of milk?" Sam asked Caroline. "I have sippy cup in the diaper bag."

"I have a few, too. I'm a grandma, after all." She quickly found a cup in one of the cupboards and filled it with milk. "There you are, Katie."

"Tank," the girl said, looking very grateful.

"You're welcome," she said and sat down before she spoke to Sam. "What was that with the signing?"

"Ah, she has no trouble hearing," Sam explained. "Our friend is a linguist and he claimed using simple sign language from the birth has many advantages because the child can communicate before she's able to speak properly."

"Sounds interesting. Is it working?"

"Yes, it is," Sam admitted.

"I'm just glad she's not speaking Ancient," Jack grunted and Sam tossed him a look which made him correct himself. "Chinese. Ancient Chinese."

Sam rolled her eyes and decided to change subject. "So, is the campsite closed for good or are you just taking this year off?"

"We'll see," Caroline said softly and smiled at her husband. "Marty has taken care of all the maintenance and he doesn't have the energy right now so it will stay closed for now."

"That's sad," Sam said. "It's such a wonderful place."

"It is," Marty spoke softly. "I can open the gate for you if you want to stay a few days," he offered. "I know this place is important to you."

"That would be wonderful but you don't have to." Sam flashed him an understanding smile. "We can just continue our road trip someplace else."

"You're welcome to stay here if you wish," Caroline spoke softly. "The campsite is not in good condition but you can stay if you want to. I'll just mow the lawn to make space for your tent. Or you can stay here in our guest room."

"What do you say?" Sam turned to speak to Jack.

"I'm fine with staying as long as _I_ can mow the lawn."

"Nonsense," Caroline snorted "You're our guests."

"Marty here needs to get some color on his cheeks," Jack nodded towards the pale man sitting next to Caroline and winked at him. "So I suggest you keep those life saving cookies coming while I mow the lawn and Sam here fixes everything that needs fixing."

"I can't ask you that," the lady whispered, looking like they had just promised her a million dollars.

"You're not asking, Caroline," Sam spoke softly. "We're offering."

"Look," Jack started, serious for a change. "I don't know what happened here three years ago but Sam came back home and we made it through. Somehow I feel like everything I have now I own to this place."

Sam reached to squeeze his hand under the table. In a way that was true. She couldn't even imagine what would have happened if she hadn't found the campsite and had spent the week in motels instead. She had a hunch the journal would have been very empty and her head would have been very full of the chaos.

Caroline was looking at them with a slight frown, obviously trying to make a decision. Sam felt Katie move in her arms and glanced at the toddler. She was staring at Caroline with the puppy eye expression that usually got her whatever she wanted, and signing _please_.

"Would you like some more milk?" Caroline asked when she recognized the sign but the girl shook her head.

"Mama," she spoke firmly, then pointed at Caroline before she signed _please_ again.

"You want me to say yes to your mother?" Caroline asked and raised her eyebrows. Katie nodded. "Do you know what we're talking about?"

"Mama fix," Katie said firmly and then made a sign again, one Caroline hadn't seen before.

Sam chuckled. "That means _good_. I fix her toys all the time so she knows I'm quite good at it."

"Would you like to stay here a few days, Katie?" Jack asked his daughter. "Camping."

"Tinkle," the girl said and signed something with both of her hands.

"Yes, you'd see the stars," Jack answered. "The twinkling things."

The girl nodded and then turned to look at Caroline again. _Please,_ she signed one more time.

"Alright, alright," she sighed. "But I'm cooking dinner for you all."

"Now _that's_ a deal I can live with," Jack replied with a grin.

"How does chocolate cake sound for dessert?" Caroline asked.

"Sam, we're moving here," Jack announced.

"Dada, cake!" Katie called and Sam rolled her eyes. Even their daughter knew those two words belonged together.

* * *

><p>Caroline offered to babysit Katie while Sam and Jack tended to the campsite. There wasn't that much that needed fixing, really. The gate needed some oil for the hinges and the the fridge made a weird sound every now and then. Sam made a list of stuff they needed to buy and then gave the kitchen and showers a thorough scrubbing.<p>

Meanwhile Jack mowed the lawn on the whole campsite. Then he noticed the window frames could really use a fresh layer of paint. He managed to find some sandpaper in Marty's shed and started to remove the old paint. They would make a quick trip to the town the next day and buy some paint. The building would be as good as new in no time.

They'd just have to find a way to sneak out of the camping site the next day to buy some supplies without Caroline catching them because they wanted to surprise the woman. But Jack had no doubt they could manage that part. They had escaped from highly secured prisons, too. Well not with a kid, luckily, but anyway.

The dinner was delicious and they stayed a long while even after the dessert was gone, just chatting. Marty and Caroline told stories about the busy old days when the campsite was buzzing with life. Sam could easily imagine it all, the barbecues, the crowded kitchen, children laughing when they played in the water.

It made her sad to think they might be the last guests at the campsite. But there was no sadness in either of their hosts, just gratefulness for the good memories, an odd sort of peace about one phase coming to an end. They had had their share of busy, like Caroline had said earlier. It was time for something different now.

All evening Katie sat on Sam's lap and listened carefully. She loved hearing stories and Sam was blaming that on Daniel who had started reading to her when she had been barely hours old. Now story sessions with her uncles were the girl's favorite times.

Even Teal'c had managed to come up with age appropriate stories from Chulak, though Sam had a hunch he was just twisting the Disney movies around a little, replacing the bad guys and evil witches with snakeheads.

As the evening progressed, Marty got more and more quiet, letting his wife do most of the talking. In the end he started nodding off around the same time with Katie and they decided to call it a night.

Katie did, however, wake up as soon as they stepped outside again. It was a warm night but still definitely colder than at daytime. There was a slight wind that turned the lake surface into soft waves.

They went to set up their tent. Katie was a devoted helper and even though she slowed them down more than actually helped, they didn't stop her.

They had practiced camping a couple of times on their backyard, first just spending some time in the tent, then afternoon naps and in the end they had slept three nights in a row in the tent. In the backyard, of course, but that wasn't so different from the conditions here. They had a kitchen and bathroom and if the weather got very bad, they could move to the Caroline's guest room.

When they finally got the tent together and prepared the inside for the night, they gathered some evening snacks and a cup of hot chocolate for each of them before they retreated to the dock. They had left their shoes at the tent because the night was warm and there was no reason to wear them, really.

Both Sam and Jack had their feet in the water at the end of the dock but Katie was sitting a little further back, banging her feet against the dock in the same rhythm with her parents' swinging legs. They had been to a cabin a few times already and she seemed to understand that she shouldn't get too close to the water alone.

Katie was the first to down her cocoa and offered the cup to her mother.

"You tired, Katie?" Sam asked and the girl nodded. "Bedtime?" The girl shook her head.

Sam chuckled and glanced at her husband. They had had this conversation before, the famous 'where did she learn to be so stubborn?' conversation. They didn't even need the words anymore, it was just that one special look she tossed Jack and he blinked his eyes, all too innocent, with the typical 'who, me?' look. Sam rolled her eyes and wrapped her arm around their daughter to pull the girl against her side.

"Wanna stay here and look at the stars then?" Sam asked. It was a warm night, there was no reason they couldn't stay outside.

Katie nodded. So did Jack. Sam glanced at him again and saw him grin like a little boy.

They lay down on the dock, Sam and Jack's feet still hanging over the edge, and just looked at the night sky.

"Tinkle?" Katie asked softly, pointing at the stars.

"Yep," Jack sighed. "Remember when we went through these at home?" Then he started explaining the different constellations to the girl, making up some in the process, too. At least Sam was almost certain she hadn't heard of Teddy Bear before.

"See that, Katie?" Jack whispered. "That's the treehouse I'm going to build you when you're old enough to climb up the ladder. See? It has all these cool windows... And a little tower..."

He kept pointing at the stars with Katie's hand, drawing the patterns to the night sky like they actually made sense. And if she stared at it long enough, Sam had to admit they kinda did. But she'd never let Jack build a treehouse with windows like that!

"Dada!" Katie suddenly exclaimed and pulled her hand free, pointing at another section of the night sky.

"Ah, that's a shooting star, Katie," Jack explained. "Quick! Make a wish!"

Before Sam could start explaining that technically it wasn't a star but a piece of junk burning in the outer layers of atmosphere, Jack silenced her with one look. It was, also, one of those conversations they had had enough many times that they didn't need words anymore.

Jack claimed Sam had to hold back the technobabble until Katie went to school, just so she wouldn't lose her child-like amazement about the world. In the end they had compromised and Sam was allowed to introduce the girl to science as soon as she learned to read. If she was anything like her mother, Jack feared that moment wasn't that far away.

"Sing," Katie demanded. "Tinkle."

"Twinkle, twinkle little star?" Jack asked for confirmation and the girl nodded with a giggle.

"Mama, too, or just me?"

"Mama, Dada." Katie reached to grab both of their hands with determination.

"I'm sorry, sweetie, but Mama doesn't sing," Sam apologized and gently stroke her daughter's hair.

"Ah, come on, Carter. Just this once. She wants you to."

"Is that an order, _sir_?" He rarely called her Carter nowadays but every now and then he slipped.

"Nope. Just a suggestion," he said with a smile.

"Ah, fine. Whatever. Your bad. You start, Jack."

And so they sang, two soldiers, lying on the dock in the middle of a summer night, a giggling baby girl between them. They went on and on and on until Katie was fast asleep and then finished the verse after that.

As they turned to look at each other over the head of their sleeping daughter, both were smiling happily and Sam could see it in Jack's eyes that he was thinking the same thing:

_Is "happily ever after" too vague a thing to wish for?_

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** And it's a wrap! I hope the ending wasn't too sappy.

Also, I have no idea where Marty's cancer and Katie's sign language came from but they just crawled into the story and refused to leave.

Thank you all for reading this story! Your support has meant the world to me.

I want to thank especially all of you who shared your own experiences about miscarriage with me. I regret that I didn't reply to you all but I just didn't know what to say. The fact that you trusted me with your painful memories makes me feel very humble.

From the bottom of my heart, _thank you! _Each and every one of you!


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